Oriday

It's a New Year, It's a New Day, It's a New Life =)

2012-01-06T00:43:00.002+08:00

Leave the pass behind

New goals, new friends, new lifestyle, new job, new responsibilities, new challenges, new setbacks, new rewards, new excitement, new joy to be found, new places to go to, new experiences to try.

The only thing that I can't leave behind is myself =)

Demotivation

2011-12-13T15:28:00.002+08:00

Where is the strength that drives my will?

Everything something good is happening in my life, I fall into this lapse. This period of inability, inaction and indecision. Why do I succumb to this? I am not content. I do not want to be content. I want to stop myself from being like this. Yet I can't seem to understand why it happens in the first place.

I want good things to happen in my life. I took the initiative. I'm trying. But trying isn't good enough. Trying barely cuts it. Only succeeding does.

I know that, so why don't I act to the best of my abilities. Why am I holding myself back? Why in god's green earth do I not become the best of myself.

I feel ashamed. I feel like this isn't what I was suppose to be doing. I am suppose to be better than this. Why? I don't understand. Everything i've done now seems like it can't live up to the standards I've set for myself.

Have I been looking too high or running too far? Hell, I doubt I've even look beyond the hill and I feel like quitting. Like killing myself for wasting everyone's time. Yet I can't bring myself to be so silly. To give in to nothing. To lose out for not even trying not to lose. I was never a very successful winner. But I still won anyhow. So why? What's going on in my head?

I guess the curse and blessing of the godless is that you can't rely on a higher power for the strength and will to succeed. You can only look to one's self and ask, "Why aren't you succeeding yet?"

So why aren't you succeeding yet?

The Part When I Fall

2011-12-07T00:45:00.002+08:00

Falling out of love is hard enough,

The quickest way out is sometimes in,

What's up with these feelings within,

Is my little heart tough enough?

How I yearn for company,

For a love to set me free,

To have a love that lets me be,

Whoever it is I choose to be.

Listen to the beat of hope in my heart,

Get pushed aside and torn apart,

Is there a light at the end of this tunnel,

Does love and life come in a bundle?

Listening to Blur on my headphones,

Feeling the music go into my bones,

The soothing melody accompanies my mind,

Into a semi state of consciousness and rhyme.

Forgetting You

2011-11-30T00:21:00.002+08:00

I'm working myself to the bone,

Just don't want to go home,

To the memories in my head,

When I lie down in bed,

I just don't want to think of you,

I just wanna start anew,

Tearing down the smiles in my head,

Putting my life first instead,

Forgetting you~

I'm taking you out of my life,

Forgetting you~

Stabbing my heart with a knife,

Forgetting you~

Leaving me empty and hollow inside,

I swear I did my very best,

Love is such a hard test,

Everything I ever did with you in mind,

I just want to leave it all behind,

Where oh where did it all go wrong,

I'm sorry it lasted so long,

If I could do it all over,

I'd still make you my lover,

Forgetting you~

I'm taking you out of my life,

Forgetting you~

Stabbing my heart with a knife,

Forgetting you~

Leaving me empty and hollow inside,

Life without love is an empty shell,

I'd only wish it all ended well,

Sorry to put you through this honey,

I guess love is simply that funny,

Forgetting you~

I'm taking you out of my life,

Forgetting you~

Stabbing my heart with a knife,

Forgetting you~

Leaving me empty and hollow inside,

Forgetting you~

Piece by piece,

piecing my heart with glue

piece by piece,

piecing my heart with glue,

piece by piece,

piece by piece.

Quit Trying

2011-11-12T00:15:00.002+08:00

I look out the window,

and I see the clear blue sky,

I think of all the good times,

That have long pass me by,

The memories of you,

like a cool gentle breeze,

When I think of you,

Honey, please don't sneeze,

I quit trying to think of you,

It hurts hurts hurts inside,

When my heart breaks in two,

I quit trying to think of you,

My lonely heart aches,

When you come out of the blue,

I wonder how you're doing,

Now that we are apart,

Since you came home today,

Can we have a fresh start,

silence was your reply,

my love was left to lie,

like water in a desert,

My love flew sky high,

I quit trying to think of you,

It hurts hurts hurts inside,

When my heart breaks in two,

I quit trying to think of you,

My lonely heart aches,

When you come out of the blue,

There will come a day,

When I find a new love,

I hope that day comes soon,

So I can feel love again,

I quit trying to think of you,

It hurts hurts hurts inside,

When my heart breaks in two,

I quit trying to think of you,

My lonely heart aches,

Out of the blue.

Out of the blue...

Out of the blue.

Alone

2011-06-13T02:11:00.002+08:00

I am weak.

Whoever it was I thought I can be, is not me. I wanted so much in life, yet here I am, weak and stuck with no plan or way to get out or move on. I'm on the verge of mentally breaking down, with only my dreams and memories holding me together. What have I become. Where have I gone to. I don't recognise myself anymore. I look into a mirror and see a sad soul, waiting for it all to come to an end. How did I become like this?

A year ago, I was filled with hope. Despite quitting my job, I had a dream that my will and determination will go on and on. That I will drive myself to limits I've yet to encounter and break through them just like I've been doing every so often. Now, I stare at the limits before me, like a giant wall enclosing my life. I can't move forward, neither can I move back. Everything that is the best of me now turned against me. My confidence, arrogance, my kindness, ignorance, my love, hatred, my memories are nightmares, my dreams are flaunt visions of a madmen, there is nothing left in me that I can believe in anymore. The tears blinding my eyes are only spotted memories of the sadness that has been lingering.

I want to escape. I want to live again. I want to feel alive, in control and on the route to my destiny. Yet I fear, and I have no hope, I pull myself down every day, hoping that I'd snap out of it. I am nothing now. I see why I deserve this. This misery and dreaded hopelessness. I deserve it because I wasn't smart enough nor strong enough to pull myself out of it. The frustration that I've been through that is building inside me now has finally reached its boiling point. I am not even a man, just a boy now. Crying, and hoping things will be okay. What have I become.

They say that nice guys finish last. Back in the day, when i was running against others in school, I was almost always last. Now, it seems like history is merely repeating itself. The only difference is, maybe, I might not even finish the race. I don't want to let the people I love down. Nor do I want to let the people who love me down. Yet that's all that's been happening to me. I've been going nowhere but down. Down into the depths of misery, apathy, and thoughts of death.

Would death release me? Would it really be alright when I finally disappear of the face of this earth? Do I really need to leave a legacy behind? Who care about me anymore anyway. My life is nothing but a jagged mirror reflecting the happiness and success of glory days gone by.

deep within me a voice calls out, urging me to stay the course. I know that voice, he's always been there for me. I cry when I hear it because I've let him down. I'm so sorry. He had nothing but faith in me. I've disappointed him time and time again. Yet he still calls on me to stand up and try again. I want to give up. I want to end it all. But he would shout at me for even thinking that way. He shares my pain. He knows I can't take it anymore. He tries so hard to help me, talk to me, make me feel better about myself. But all I can think about is how I've let him down. Life is all about not giving up he says.

That's the only reason why I'm writing this all down. I never gave up writing what I felt. I only cooked it within myself for so long that it became infectious. I've decided to free my soul by writing my heart ache and worries out into words. Because I can. My life will slowly be nothing if I don't release this pent up frustration. Now I have. He knows it.

In the darkest hours of my life, he is there. He is truly the shadow of my success. Yet every time I long to thank him, he never appears. I sometimes wonder, if I make myself sad so that I can hear his voice again. The calm and soothing voice, whispering nothing but comfort, logic, inspiration, motivation and company.

Yet as I look beyond the monitor into the bleak faded white walls of a room once filled with happiness, I can only hear the soft sniffling of my nose. As the tears dry up, and the crackling of the keyboard fills the room, only the words from my head pour out into the box. He is gone once again. Never seen, always heard. I owe a great many things to him, one day, when it is my time, I hope that he will be there to greet me, wherever my spirit goes.

For now, I remain alone.

Forgotten

2011-02-16T23:18:00.002+08:00

I must admit that my heart still aches from losing this love. I won't lie nor deny that I grieve as much as I did the day she told me she no longer loved me.

It only proved one thing. I was too blind to see or to sad to acknowledge what I truly felt in my heart.

That I was used. Pure and simple. That the love that was said to be there was nothing but an illusion in the first place. As such, the basis or foundation for our relationship was never real. It has to be like this. After all, this is the only explanation as to why I can be so easily forgotten or "let go".

In fact, now that I recall the amount of times I disregard my instinct, I can tell that I've been truly taken for a ride.

I 've no place to turn to or to voice out my frustration and sadness that has been eating me alive from the inside. The photos of us smiling and loving each other, all those happy memories now seem so vague and fake. Like everything that has ever happened was just some twisted nightmare designed to take the best of me and crush it in one go. To teach me the vile and sick mind of what a women can do to me if I let them get to close without trusting my instinct.

I am nothing now. I 'm left with nothing and yet i'm still paying for everything. I understand. I see. I was blind. Not anymore. There is no love. It's just a fallacy. The notion, the feelings, the laugher and smiles, the kisses and hugs and tears that I cry, the pain, the insufferable loneliness and insecurity that now consumes me whole, is nothing but a consequences of my failure to defend my heart.

Smart as I maybe, strong as I have become, I am still nothing now but a shell without my heart. It is here that the cruelest blow has been struck.

what does this mean now that it really is all over? not answering my e-mails, not giving a shit about me, not even trying to find a way to make it work. If she has given up on our love, the question is why haven't I?

Hope? Hope is but a blinding light that blinds out the reality in which I am now in. Pain, madness and utter disappointment.

How do I face my family and tell them that I have failed. That I should have listened but i did not. That everyone else could see but I refuse to even look. That my own ego and pride and everything else that I uphold for the sake of our love was nothing but a washed up excuse now lying in tatters all over the floor. Broken and sinking beneath the river of tears and failure that now lay about me.

Bah. I am non the wiser. The fool at the end of the rainbow trail. Hoping to find his pot of gold filled with everything that he'd ever wish for. This fool has dreamed of a happy life together, a trusting and loving relationship that defied all odds. Alas, he has forgotten, that a relationship built without respect and trust is nothing in the eyes of love. Such is the story of how the fool went mad on his quest. I am not worthy.

Once again, the good heavens and destiny conspire to grant me strength again. Strength from my failures. Strength from my misery. Strength from my loneliness. In the place of hate I have been overwhelmed with one desire. To rise again. To become a far better and stronger pawn in this life of chess. To amuse the gods themselves as they see that the humanity in me can always be stepped on but never be triumphed upon.

I shall prove to myself that the world is a far far more cruel place. That was has happened was merely a taste of the dark and corrupted world I live in. That this war for my soul and humanity will continue even till my dying days.

So as I continue in my grief stricken manner, fighting one day after another. Putting one foot in front of the other. I have but no choice but to march to the sound of my own drum. To see to it that I follow on the footsteps of all who I have admired and succeeded. To go past the same dreary unknown called the future.

One day, I shall be a better pillar of strength for all my friends. I cannot fail now. For them, for me, for my family and everything I've ever cherish now and in the future to come.

I maybe forgotten by one.

But many more rely on me and expect better of me. Most of all, me.

What Do I Do?

2011-02-08T02:34:00.002+08:00

A whirlwind of emotions sweep across my mind,

they say the only cure for a heart break is in due time.

I want to move on, yet I feel like I'm trapped in the past,

some how I always believed that our relationship would last.

I wish I can stop thinking about you on a daily basis,

that the memory of you will lock itself up in stasis.

Yet here I am trapped with all this feelings of inadequacy ,

All my years of loyalty I have forgotten any other fancy.

I wish I didn't feel like I've been used and left to hang and dry,

I've given up wondering if this is all worthwhile and probably why.

All my memories are slowly playing itself back from the day I met her,

Now i wish nothing more for them to simply be just a blur.

The tears in my eyes do help me see less of what I'm typing,

The feelings I feel however are a lot less to my liking.

If only love didn't need to feel like bloody murder,

I would simply eat it down like a miniature burger.

What do I do now that I'm overwhelmed by these feelings?

What do i do indeed.

Writing helps soothe the soul they say. Hence probably why i started to write back anyway. I wish I could say I didn't care about all this happening to me. I guess only when someone falls out of love with you will they finally be able to hurt you this way.

Sigh.........

I could really use a nice warm hug and an A -okay pat on the back.

me and my fucking emotions

can't even keep it together.

man

...

i'm done for.

Why

2011-01-30T01:39:00.002+08:00

I don't understand. I can't comprehend. I don't believe it.

Why is it that our love falters from a distance?

Can you see the things I've done for you? The sacrifices I've made? The freedom that I have granted you? The love that I've shown you?

All for nought.

If life has thought me one thing... it is important to appreciate the efforts that either one has given for this relationship to work. Maybe i've given too much. Maybe so....

Yet i refuse to believe that the girl that I love for nearly 3 years can fail to appreciate the things i've done for her all these years. The time, the money, the attention, TRUST! everything.

What kind of human being can look at all the blessings they've gone through and simply take it for granted and leave it be when it isn't there for the taking anymore.

Why?

I'm so disappointed. I'm so very disappointed. If life has dealt me a sad card, this is one of them. My only hope is that I can find some solace and comfort in the fact that I've learn a lot from being in such a relationship and that things can only look brighter and better as walk to the future one slow step at a time.

god have mercy, i still love her so. =(

Miss you

2011-01-24T01:40:00.002+08:00

Your voice sounds like a whisper,
hollow and faint like a whimper,
I barely recall the warmth of your touch,
your absence, unbearably too much,

my mind plays tricks on me,
asking my heart to let it be,
I hear only doubt plaguing my soul,
an emptiness surrounding me like mold,

I busy myself with work and dreams,
to stop myself from worrying it seems,
if you're alright, if you're okay,
every minute of every day,

Yet the more time flies the more i fear,
we might no longer be together my dear,
our hearts might not be connected as before,
the mind tires and the soul begs for more,

this throbbing ache that grows from within,
drives me down and wears me thin,
I longed for days of old and merry,
where the mere sight of you,
is like ice cream with a cherry.

ash

2010-11-19T02:21:00.003+08:00

I'm creating an empire,

So spectacular,

I'm setting my world on fire,

my dreams a blur,

The passion in me burns,

fuels my mind,

As my life turns,

my words combust,

listen to the sound of death,

its destruction resounding,

like the sound of my breath,

shallow and fading,

stop, stop i say and wait,

don't please stop don't,

greed is a bait,

who will save you? god won't,

Everybody floats and Everybody gloats,

life is so precious it becomes insignificant,

like the vikings in their boats,

who massacre everything.

Writing for the soul

2010-10-20T00:56:00.003+08:00

I"ve been writing so much this pass few weeks I begin to wonder where I get my strength to write.

It helps that I have a vivid imagination that lets me mold myself into whoever I chose to be. Hard to believe a little know skill I picked up back in my teens would make my job this much easier. I try my best not to give a damn about what I'm writing, ethically of course this goes against everything I've learned the pass 2 years. Seriously though, I'm done caring. I've seen how people can get when you do care, and just this once, I want to be on the end where I can count my riches and laugh out loud like a pirate on top of his plunder.

With the love of my life gone, the sudden emptiness simply astounds me. To say that I might get depress is inaccurate, however, I am a tad bit raw. Emotionally of course. I can't help but think that the past few years have been nothing but a sweet dream. I've learn so much living with her that I forgot who I used to be. It's a sad day when the person you thought you were isn't really who you thought you'd be.

This however is my fresh start.

My own journey to rediscover that enigmatic wonder that could conquer the world and laugh of all the evils and hurdles that god throws at him. That bright eyed, grinning idiot that looks up in the sky and shouts out "Is that all you got?"

I miss him.

If there's one thing I do know, I am what I make of it. Right now, I am a man climbing back that same mountain in search of that soul. That free spirit. That me. My Ori.

Writing for the soul

A pencil a paper a train of thought,

A heart and a spirit,

That can't be beaten or bought.

What use is a muse,

who is of no use,

less it uses me for its abuse,

I have but one excuse,

Excuse me says I,

What the fuck my friend?

Don't mind if I die,

I'm just a passer's by.

I say I write,

but in truth,

I just type.

As I let my creativity soar,

It became a lion who started to roar,

The roar echoes pass the mental wall,

As I watch my lion slowly fall.

I'm writing without a clue of who i am,

Staring at a poster of Uncle Sam,

His fingers point straight at my mind,

Telling me I'm shit out of time.

I chuckle as I write these lines,

These rhymes that heal me,

Help release me from these confines.

So father I pray to thee most holy indeed,

guide me in this precious time of need,

for the strength to keep writing,

and a soul that keeps fighting,

father may you bless me with your generosity,

for the time i'll be spending,

and the love i'll be missing,

may i never regret this path of adversity,

bless my family with health,

bless my friends with wealth,

bless my lover with faith and wisdom,

May she see the light of your kingdom,

A single prayer I shall say,

A prayer repeated everyday,

Take my words and my heart,

as thanks for a chance to start.

Where is my mind

2010-03-28T04:14:00.003+08:00

Aptly titled, mindfully so.

Where is my mind?

I can't make sense of what's bugging me.

It doesn't help that I found a song with a similar name that has a kick ass rhythm.

4 am buddy boy and all I can think of is my next move. Squares and diamonds. Diamonds and squares. The clock is ticking, tocking around in my head. Yet it is in this moment of complete and utter desperation and deprivation that I find myself the peace of uncertainty befall upon me.

Listen to my thoughts that don't make sense. I cannot but be compelled to listen.

Peace, its meaning a detriment to my head, a apostrophe in my chain of thoughts. Hanging in the air my life lingers. Open and full, spilling its guts out to the ends of the box that keeps it prisoner. Norms, social or made. Binding as they maybe the prison that is me.

My eyes are heavy, shrinking. My vision blurry and unfocused. Sleep claims not just my mind but my body. The dreams that come not when I sleep, may it come to me now; my conscious swaying between pillars or light and dark, littered are the walls and floors, scattered are my fantasies in the floor or reality.

Last but not least.

2010-02-18T03:29:00.004+08:00

Oct 15, 2009.

That was my last posting date. Suffice to say, I have been away from myself for awhile now. It's funny when you write out what you truly want to say it comes out entirely, different. I try to imagine myself from 2 years back telling me how much my life is going to change if I put my all into living. I truly wasn't disappointed.

Over the months that followed, a sense of realisation begins to creep in on me. For starters, I realise that there's more to life then just living. Living is routine. Living is cheap. Living is for the thrill seekers in life who want nothing more then to enjoy the thrill of hearing they're alive. The sound of me breathing is rather heavy "I blame it on the weight" .

I can't tell right now how much I feel about my life, other than the fact that it was in a routine. I have my partner to thank to for doing her best to break it every so often, but even that has gone into a melodramatic doldrum. " Picture hitting a piano key over and over again"

The truth is, I'm about to let go of myself. To fall into a state of relentless appreciation over the fact that I've finally removed the blindfolds in my life. That as a person, I am a person. I realise that the moment you walk into a new job, you always have that sense of being. That you are a person. One filled with promises and hopes and dreams to live in, goals to be chased and a life worth cherishing. Every bit of it.

But as the months pass by, the days slowly creep in like the minute hand moving around your little wrist watch, you realise, you are not you. You are but a shell of you. You live out of it every 5 or 6 hours of your life. Every other time however, you live in it. This shell, this thing that you call you in the office isn't you. It is the professional you. The working you. The Mr Responsibilities. The shell of you.

When I ask myself this question in the mirror today, I couldn't answer myself. Truly, I have degenerated into nothing but a shell of myself. That I would be upset over losing my job, god say it isn't so. Why?! Do I truly see myself happy slaving for money? Do I truly see my soul craving to type in the words to another copysheet or empty my brains over several variations of a radio script only to look into the mirror and not see myself anymore. What am I? Who am I? Whatever happened to the boy who went in guns blazing hoping to raze hell itself into a freezing artic blizzard in a refrigerator.

Just like that, I found myself. I am the cynical trust nobody motherfucker who carries his own weight like a pro. The people around me are nothing but shells. In this world, I, me, nobody else, knows that I, me, only need to live every moment of my life, every second, every breath, like i'm diffusing a fuckin bomb. Cos god only knows when what you left behind can mean anything; but you bloody hell can make it mean something, even for awhile.

So there you have it, my comeback, the savior of my soul is my soul itself. The very one thing in me that makes me the idiot that is as lovable and as cheeky as he'll every be. The motherfucking crazy dude that lives his life like a page on book; just so you know, I'll be outta a job soon. But that soon better come quick, cos the last time I checked, I never really waited for it to come knocking at my door.

P.s. I haven't wrote poetry in bloody ages, so here's my attempt at 3.50 am in the mornin.

It's quiet out here in my brain,
Boy I wish it would just start to rain,
This idleness, this silence, this melody of breath,
God I hope and I wish that I still have some strength left.

Perseverance in the face of adversity,
Reminds me of my days in university,
To see that the future is never carved into stones,
Only that you will rot till you're a pile of bones.

Speaking of death he came over me,
Looked me in the eye and said see,
So I saw him and said what the fuck,
He said shut up punk it's just your luck.

My luck degenerates when I gamble,
It's like it gets suck once I'm on the table,
The lesson is I shouldn't gamble my life,
It just might cost me the love of my wife. (Future)

Did I tell you about how crazy love is?
The first few weeks you're in total bliss,
Then you stop making love and only get a kiss,
One in the morning and maybe some at night,
You'll be lucky if you don't bloody fight,
How did I gave up single life for this?

Sharing.
To have someone to cut you some slack.
Caring.
To know that she's got your back.
Laughing.
To know you can laugh yourself to a heart attack.
Smiling.
To have you smiling back like you're on crack.

That's says it all no? Possibly my best work this year if only I cared. Which means no.

4 a.m

2009-10-15T05:28:00.002+08:00

Heh, Good morning.

Finally I get some semblance of control back into my life. Wasn't easy but I guess nothing ever is when you're not fully in control of your life from the start. So what's been up my plate? I guess I can arrange them in chronological order.

Resist the pressure of getting married when I'm broke.
Update portfolio.
New job search.
Buy a handphone for my girlfriend.
Change my glasses.
Save more money.

What a rush it has been. Day by day, my life becomes a blur as a get absorbed into a whirlwind of work / responsibility. If by any chance they ask if I ever have time for myself I would probably say I'm in a drought right now. But guess what, it's 4 am. That's nearly 3 hours before my girlfriend gets up for work, 5 hours from when I'm suppose to be at work, and probably 2 hours from when anyone within 500 meters would wake up for whatever.

Solitude sure is a treasure worth waking up for .

Now that I get my golden moment to self reflect, I realize that I 've come to terms with my flaws. I realize my writing flair is limited, to an extend I find it difficult to write out of my scope without trying to go back into familiar ground. This is bad in comparison with the small grammatical errors that have been occurring of late. Despite being an overly doting lover, I still lack the will or creativity to execute some of my affections past the realm of the norm. *personal disappointment*
If anything is well worth mentioning as a positive to all of this would be, I somehow could sustain the energy to push on irregardless of my fears and my worries. I got to give myself some credit for being able to move along but for how long more is the question that often lingers after every shove forward.

I feel refreshed waking up so early in the morning. I guess I should feel refreshed since I went to sleep at 7 pm. That would be 9 hours of pure uncompromising, relentlessly blissful ignorance and rest from what would otherwise be a demanding life all around. What's with the logic of waking up and blogging anyways. I 'd figured I'd be hungry but after the initial pang, my body sorta went,

"Oh well, I'll chew on your fats for now. Peace!"

After that, it was like I never felt the hunger at all. Must be my body's natural way of saying, okay okay, you get a break now. Enough eating, sleeping, listening, working, playing. Just pure thoughtful thinking. Getting into my own zone and just going with it. Riding the river of my thoughts. Bla bla bla, whatever connotations I can come up with I best save for myself in the near future. I realize by now that I write better...well not really better, but I do get my chain of thoughts out faster when I have some of my favourite music playing in the background. It's like my thoughts flow out as fast as the rhythm or urgency of the song. Not that I hate it, I simply felt irked out for some reason that those songs in question have to be japanese rock pop... LOL...

By the way (I type btw first), I might be wrong, but who cares, Macross Frontier Album's one and two. Mighty motivating music to some, plain anime noise for others.

Did I mention I was lucky enough to get my hands on some music which I totally forgot to download throughout the years? Damn , they sure make for some good music. Now that I've compiled them into a mix of love songs and rock, I could at least mask the fact that I really want to listen to them despite my girlfriend's condemnation. That's what the love songs are by the way, hehe, just an excuse to put the CD in. (I really should consider an mp3 player in my car)

OH snaps, it's 6 am. Lol, I can't believe my respite is over before I even could spend it doodling and messing about. Sigh, life sure doesn't pause for you. Well, here's to whatever comes next, BRING IT ON!

Leave of Absence

2009-08-03T15:47:00.002+08:00

Blimey!

Its been nearly 4 months since I last wrote. Not that I have much to say in those 4 months anyways. But it shows just how caught up with life I have been.

Balancing life issues has been one of the most challenging things I've been relearning how to do. It took awhile (aside from my monthly budget) to come to terms with how I am currently living now, as compared to how I wish I was living life.

Well in short, allow me to summarize the last 4 months into 1 short sentence.

May: Living with temporary depression.
June: Getting out of depression.
July: Budget and financial woes.
August: Coming out of Budget and Financial woes.

Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. I would love to write more, but this splitting migraine is killing me. I've never had headaches or migraines that bad before. I wonder what's up?

Oh well, lack of sleep probably.

A good ZZZ and I should be back on my feet.

till next post.

Poised for noise

2009-04-30T11:40:00.002+08:00

Noise is something that generally can be regarded as annoying. However,

Probably it goes both ways. It can be annoying to you, but it can also be delightful if you enjoy it. For me now....

Lets just say the noise that I'm hearing is that of disappointment. My radio script for A&W that I was working for will be on the airwaves. Period.

The TVC my colleague proposed will.

In some ways I'm glad to that it turned out that way. But once again it has dampen my hopes that I could finally get something worthy up on the air on my own will and effort.

Sigh.

I can hear the noise......I remember now, I think it's Audioslave. God I love that band.

Move along boy, It's time to grow up and write better stuff. At least that's the call I'm answering to. Gosh I miss the old days when I wasn't thinking of anything but living my life day by day.

p.s. My girlfriend's headphones are teh shit. Awesome for getting sucked into your own zone of music and being oblivious to the whole world. Heh, couldn't ask to borrow a better tool.

hear the drums beating, as the ground begins to shake. the music warps the air your breathe as the guitar strums a wave of melody. the bassist cruises a steady tune; the singer begins to croon, lost in heaven stuck at earth seeing hell as angels fly above. The music stops your heart stills, a peace of mind at the end of the line, gives a chill down your spine. the pureness of emotions are the only things worth looking for in your heart.

Standing by

2009-04-07T09:56:00.002+08:00

I sit here waiting,

Contemplating,

The time that has pass,

Wasted Alas!

My mind keeps thinking,

Presevering,

The boredom at hand,

I can't understand!

I'm left pondering,

Imagining,

A better life spent,

then leaning here bent!

Flawed

2009-04-06T17:13:00.000+08:00

Withered and Broken,
With just a token,
Of memories gone,
Freedom forgone.

Deflated of emotion,
With just a notion,
Of bitter survival,
A lost revival.

Everyday a struggle,
An expanding bubble,
Building up stress,
No sign of distress.

In the mirror I see,
What was once me,
Flawed and wanting,
Grasping at nothing.

Now this is Fucked up.

2009-04-06T16:56:00.001+08:00

If a gunman guns down a few people on the street do we blame the gun makers? No.

If a husband beats up his own wife do we blame his parents? No.

If a ship sinks because of rough weather do we blame the builders? No.

If a couple of leaflets and fliers came out with typo errors from a rush job that has not been checked by the copywriter because he was absent do we blame him?

Yes...

Meh~, life's just that fucked up.

Sick and Tired

2009-02-23T14:17:00.003+08:00

If there's one thing that sums up my current state of mind it would be how sick and tired I feel.

Aside from constantly being plague by health issues surrounding my weight gain and the steadily increasing workload, I find it harder and harder to keep up with my personal issues. The discipline and self control that I've worked hard to achieve the past 3 years seems to be a fragment of my imagination as I now see a similar spiraling descent into a far too familiar realm of disassembled thoughts and notions. You could say that I've reverted back to who I was pre NZ days.

Trying to come up with an act to countermand this seemingly downward momentum is proving harder to execute by the day. Late nights of sleep cannot possibly help increase the likelihood of me waking up early everyday even for a 20 minute walk. If that's not bad, I've been consistently skipping breakfast and falling head over heels in unhealthy eating, sloth and yeah... just real lazy shit.

This is not the first time nor would it be the last time I went my own frustrations towards silly old me. But it helps to know just how deep a pile of shit you're stuck in before you decide when it is the best time to shove yourself out of it. A bad state of body can only mean a bad state of mind, and my biggest fear of losing love may very well become a reality if I don't buck up and get moving. After all, a healthy mind is a healthy body. True words of wisdom I cannot but adhere to.

Oh and don't get me started on the politics that I've been reading. Lately it has been one hell of a slandering and backstabbing ride that I'm beginning to wonder who the hell is running my country. Granted I've just been free from their meticulous brainwashing, it sure is hard to hate something so bad till the point you want to change it, but once again, the powerlessness i feel have but made me apathethic towards the situation. Irregardless of how much my heart has turned to stone for my country, it is still home. Ironically I much prefer the Republic of Malaya. That way I get to join the rebel alliance lol =p.

My year in reflection

2008-12-29T16:34:00.003+08:00

So much has happened over the last few months.

I think it's only fair to start in the beginning. I just got back not long ago from New Zealand. The thought of being close to my family and getting to spend more time with them was all but the one thing in my mind. I would have gotten a job and would work hard for money whilst improving what little skill and talent i have left within me. I would have gotten a decent gaming rig by then, probably attend more "social" parties to expand my network and spend the New Year with a bang thanking god for a life worth living.

That pretty much sums up the skeletal frame of my life before I met my girlfriend. To me, The timing seemed somewhat funny if not odd. I never thought that I could be the kind of guy who would fall in love with a person. Sure I have been in love, but that was after few months of at least knowing that person. The sheer speed and the mere thought of being happy just being with her got me hitched in the first month since I came back.

Ever since then, it has been so to speak, a roller coaster ride of ups and downs. I guess trying to understanding her is like trying to go where my gut tells me. The thought of selfless giving and non withholding nothing back is rather new to me. In some cases, it feels as though there is much more about girls now that I do not know and that being with her has brought me into a new phase of life. Irrational is the single word that stuck up my brain the moment I'd get into an argument with her.

Yet as the months slip by, I started to care less and less about my skill and trying to work up more and more of my effort to satisfy all corners of my life cept for god that is. Maybe I'm paying the price now. I need the same discpline in my life that I once had. It's the ability to set aside the time that I need to do the things I need to do. I've gotten a raise, and a shitload of extra work which I gladly do. I've got nice colleagues who do their best to get by but leave me hanging dry as my thirst for knowledge wanes in the precipals of lazyness and self pity.

I'm at the verge of pressing the restart button in my life. I just want it all to end. To start a new and leave the troubles behind. Yet I'm no coward, nor do I cherish the idea of not dying in honor or the last of my dignity. Going through all of life right now is really tough on me. trying to understand someone else while getting my act straight seems to be like Bonus mode or Playing the Life game in Hardcore difficulty. I just can't get what I must do in order to fully satisfy everyone. Even if I do satisfy everyone....Will I be contented myself? Can I live knowing fully well that I've done everything that is asked of me but not doing any of it for my own?

Is this my life's calling?

I suppose that's a lot to give and very little to take. I suppose maybe I do deserve that. Every part of me now wants to straighten up my little act come the New Year and start over. I can't think of any other reason why not to. New weight, New attitude of unwaning selflessness that supercedes my own desires and temptations, Just thanking god and starting fresh with a reknown sense of faith.......

I guess that will be a good resolution. I intend to keep it in my mind till the next one comes along. I know I've completed all 2008. If there's anything else left, god guide me and help me along for the rest of 2009. Oh boy I do hope I got it in me to see myself go through this new phase of my life. I don't know what's coming, storm or sunshine, rain or wind blow, as long as this life is mine, that's all i really need to know.

Hiatus

2008-10-31T17:13:00.002+08:00

Yeah, I've been that busy.

It's sad that I am. I use to have that little moment where I could collect my thoughts in private and express them for my own muse sometime or another. Sadly I must confess the pressing matters that have occupied my mind and time to write have been replaced with a sheer life and the tedious but necessary act of balancing it.

Have I the time to actually reminisce about the good old days, probably not. But now and then when I do take that little long walk to work or maybe on the way home, and if music wasn’t blasting in my ears till I’m deaf; I realise I do miss freedom.

I miss it more then anything. I miss the feeling of being completely free; in many ways the physical bonds and constrains are only boundaries that I set for myself. Somehow my life has worked out one way or another. I wonder what my life would be like had I chose to stick it out and stayed on in New Zealand. I still do now and then.

My 24th birthday passed me by. A surprise gathering with close friends arranged by Suan made it through my “field of suspicious activities my girlfriend might spring on me” checklist. Not that I bother keeping tabs. It was delightfully pleasing to be in the company of friends and just coming together for a moment of time. Also a good reason to drink myself silly, sadly, I never got drunk, and never had a chance to test my girlfriend’s caretaking skills there after.

The PSP I bought for her and vice versa for our birthdays turn out to be a rather handy tool. It keeps me occupied and gives me a game or 2 to play with her. In my opinion the more I think about our common interests that we share together the more I look over it with my blind eye.

I’ve been just flowing my thoughts out somewhat carelessly I know. But the last few months to me was surprisingly just that. The meaningless feeling of existence once again creeps up on me, and I’m bound to the answers that my responsibility as an adult is to support the existence of the others I love around me. No more, no less.

I’m glad I’ve passed the milestone. By next year, I will truly celebrate my birthday. Not in style but definitely with a significant activity or event. None the less I feel more settled with life now more then ever. I may have plans to shift and stir the status quo and break the mold that wraps my mind like a conundrum wrapped with sugar coated honey and flocking with bees and all sides. A quarter of my supposed human life span has passed and I’m here musing over what I would do with life tomorrow…

Sorrow is and sorrow will be,
the only thing that keeps me company,
Let it be the day shall see,
That in the end I am nobody.

Come what may the future lies,
Fluttering and buzzing like fireflies,
Because to me what matters you’ll see,
the darkness within I despise.

Laze

2008-08-11T17:41:00.003+08:00

It's just a phase,
when i lie and laze,
idling in a maze,
shrouded in haze,

It is often the case,
within this squishy base,
of a brain i lay a waste,
to enjoy the mild taste,

Of flowers in a vase,
Of the ease of cut and paste,
Of a full can of mace,
Idling in disgrace,

I remain unfaze,
in this foggy maze,
for life is a quick daze,
Of frolicking and laze.
yet remain unfaze.

-ori-

p.s. yikes 2 in a row, somethings gotten into me. Not really. personally, i'm just lazy.

Old

2008-08-11T17:29:00.002+08:00

I'm getting old,
no more running for gold,
becoming less bold,
my brain is growing mold,
my soul i have sold,
now i watch my life unfold,
but i have to put that on hold,
For i have caught a cold,
Cos i'm getting old,

Or so i've been told...

-ori-

p.s. my friend read this and lol'd

The morning i wake up

2008-07-30T15:54:00.003+08:00

The morning i wake up,
I quickly have to get up,
But as i do i imagine you,
Pulling me back to cuddle you,

As i make my way to work on the LRT,
I try to ignore the office jerks pushing me,
by imagining you just by my side,
cos with you along i'll enjoy the ride,

the walk to the office is long,
it feels like it when you're gone,
i imagine you walking with me,
being with you makes me feel happy,

As i sit at my desk and go through work,
my thoughts of you will quietly lurk,
i imagine at the back of my mind,
you holding my heart for all of time,

time flies when i'm working here,
i try not to think of you my dear,
i can imagine you smiling back at me,
automatically my face lights up with glee,

When the evening comes around,
i try to sneak out without a sound,
you can imagine that i do my best,
to quickly come back home to you and rest,

Yet I know that you will not be there,
i will return home with no one to care,
you can imagine what it feels like,
to want to hear your voice on the mike,

as begin to drift into sleep,
i can't help but quietly weep,
imagine me missing you from night till day,
the morning i wake up everyday.

http://dl.getdropbox.com/u/49889/08042008824.jpg

Le Monday Blues

2008-06-18T15:54:00.003+08:00

Monday

I guess today is like any other day, except I truly never rested over the weekend that is to say the least. JPA kept me busy the whole weekend, and by the time I have time to do anything at all it was time for bed. I must admit having a companion beside me while I sleep is proving to be addictive if not refinely pleasant. I can’t do without a lot of things in my life, but I guess even I have a weak spot for love =p.

Nothing is more compelling then waking up after 2 hours of sleep to find that you’re just not in the mood to go to work that early in the morning anyways. Besides, why bother showing up the earliest, you’re not getting paid more, plus you’ve worked all weekend. I figured it was time I took one of those infamous detours based on my instinct. The Mandarin Oriental Hotel “lounge” seems to be one heck of a place for a detour. Cliché hotel music and a dawning sun amongst the lush garden greenery is one way of relaxing “secretly” amidst the crowd of businessmen and formally dress compatriots. I laugh at the face of my audaciousness because it surprises me to no end how a little courage and lack of sleep can drive me to go to places I’ve yet to explore.

Oh by the way, did I mention the hostesses here wiping the tables and cleaning up at this lounge wear “cheong sam’s”. I can think of a hundred wet dreams on what I wanna do with women who have the figure and the dress to go along with it. Oh well, I’d never thought table cleaning could be that seductive, I guess I’ll make it a point to tell Deo to come along for the ride one day. Who knows, he just might find something he likes amongst this pompous and exclusively wealthy haven of a hotel.

What a nice time to fill my blog with a long summary of the things that’s been happening. For starters, I ‘m loving my job, the challenges and basically the whole raw deal for only RM 2k. Nothing says passion like doing weekends, but I guess to each his own way. I need to lose weight bad. But the more I think of it the less likely that might happen. My exercise programs would leave me drained of energy to last the day should I decide to apply it to my already fast-paced routine. Till I can find some way of sleeping early say around 10pm, I guess going on a crash diet would be the only option. Not that its healthy and convenient at all.

I guess the one thing that comes across my mind is how much people see a change in me. I mean sure, I acknowledge that I’ve changed ... just a bit =p. I mean I’m a lil more confident and definitely more matured compared to before I left. Probably lost a lot of weight but lets just not go there for now. Got myself a girl who loves me for who I am, I’ll put that to fate and god. Working a job that drives my passion, and fuels my excitement, I say that’s pretty cool. Hmm, maybe I should be reflecting on myself a bit more often to take in this so called new changes to myself that people keep telling me about. I don’t see any harm introducing the new me to myself since he’s probably already done that to everyone I’ve seem to have met in recent times.

Oh well, I’m off to buy tickets for Kung Fu Panda soon. First one to buy tickets for a 8 pm show that’s not about to start for another 10 hours seem to be a wicked cool idea to me. Plus I can take this time to linger about and pay my Maxis bill and take quick peeks at the waitresses in their “figure hugging”* Cheong Sam’s. So much for a long post, I guess my blog deserves one every once in awhile. Will there be another one such as this, only time will tell. All I know is, I’m very underdressed, the teapot is serving tea for 20 ringgit and I should be exploring KLCC now.

* applies to only a few of the waitresses.

So my girlfriend is alittle creative too

2008-05-29T12:04:00.002+08:00

My first response to encourage her to write poetry was this:

What is so difficult about writing,
Poetry is just alittle something,
about what you are just feeling,
a creative form of expressing,
a certain situation u're facing,
but it is this joy of just making,
a poem worth your time reading

10 minutes later this was her rather eloquent reply

Grateful to have a great teacher,
Not only a tutor,
But also a lover,
To teach me whatever,
To guide me wherever,
To love me like no other lover,
Happy to be with him no matter,
In time of sweet or bitter,
To be with him forever.

I guess from now on, i won't be alone in appreciating the simplicities of fun writing in rhymes.

Gone Sailing

2008-04-30T12:18:00.001+08:00

So I’m finally back in Malaysia. Like the strong winds blowing my sail to the open sea, I somehow find myself swept up by the currents of time and landed myself a lovely miss, a humble desktop and now a decent job.

I’m still trying to come to terms how all this is happening at such an accelerated pace. Not that it’s any bad but if there’s a single word to describe this feeling it’d probably be “surreal”. I hate to think that my boat can ever be so smooth sailing. All my life I’ve lived in choppy waters, battling storms, big 7 foot giant waves and monstrous sharks and other assorted monsters of the society. Somehow to be told that the weather will be smooth sailing and has been for the past few months seem god sent. Either that or I’m in a coma dreaming away, which is funny cos if I was in a coma then I’d dream of crazier things like winning the lottery and living fancily.

Alas, my life has finally just begun. Do I love it? I don’t know yet, I do cherish it now more then anything. Everything that I could have asked for I have gotten so far. A girl who loves me and for me to love her back, a computer that can run some of my most anticipated games not to mention a job that I seem to be liking more and more each day. I do fear, like all mortal men do the day when I might lose either one of these cherished things in life. Somehow things aren’t that bad after all. As much as I’m used to being negative and ignorant of life’s plan for me, this time round, I think I do care what‘s going on in my block.

So here’s to the best that life has brought me and will continue to bring,
To the girl who might not be from my dreams but certainly fills the spot,
To my ever so humble pc just sitting there dying for my loving attention,
And to a job that will continue to open more doors in my life that I can possibly see.Thank you god for everything.

Care

2008-03-28T12:05:00.000+08:00

I don't care,
If life isn't fair,
If you're standing there,
Giving me that cold stare.

I don't care at all,
If you're thin or tall,
If you're fat like a ball,
Whining about how you're small.

I can't be bothered,
If i was murdered,
And brutally hammered,
If only to be remembered;

By you, the only one I care,
You that made my life just fair,
You who was always there,
Giving me that lovely stare.

Thank You

2008-03-28T11:58:00.003+08:00

For the wisdom that I have gain,
The experiences and the pain,
Without it I am an empty shell,
One that is bound to head straight to hell,

For the true love that I have felt,
Not just a notch on my ego belt,
Without it I am death incarnate,
Living on violence,sin and hate,

For the friends that I care for,
This gift I could not ask for more,
Without them I will be lonely,
Wallowing in despair and pity,

For the courage to do what I must,
To reject evil,loathing and lust,
Without courage I am nothing,
Just a mirror image of something.

I am eternally grateful,
I am also humbly thankful,
To have such faith built from within,
And to bare it all with a grin =)

Within these old 4 walls.

2008-03-28T00:47:00.002+08:00

So i'm back .

*exhales*

Its been so long since I felt like i was in this room again. The very thought of seeing the shadows of my past self linger around like echoes of a ghostly being seem to make things nostalgic if not bitter sweet.

Can I beat myself silly and stick to my principals? Tried and true. Yet i feel such a heavy burden pressed upon me now that I am home.

Can I still call this home?

Inadequately Idle

2008-02-14T18:49:00.003+08:00

I have a few things caught in my mind,
One of them is a job I have to find,
As of now my life is caught in a bind,
Suddenly life seems like a terrible grind.

How long have I been living alone,
For some unknown sin I have to atone,
My life as lifeless as a roadside stone,
If I were a dog throw me a bone.

Yeah I'm really bored with life now,
I need to get myself unstuck somehow,
My life is being milked away like a cow,
Just give me some seeds and a land to plow.

Am I living in denial or fear,
My purpose in life is not very clear,
As I compare myself to my peers,
I can't stop crying myself to tears...

Random

2008-02-14T18:45:00.002+08:00

Up and About

Over here ,Over there I say,
I"m everywhere today.
Over the hills up and about;
hello there , HERE ME SHOUT!

Shiver me timber

The cold breeze blows around me,
Aye the breath of life from the sea,
Shiver me timber as i walk the plank,
Of to Davey Jones locker I sank....

Bored

Three hundred and ninety nine,
The holes in the wall are fine,
I breathe,I sigh ,I wave good bye;
The boredom will go when I die.

Indecisive

2008-02-14T18:43:00.002+08:00

For the longest time I felt,
A piece of my mind slowly melt,
A piece of me fading away,
Eating my soul day by day,

I cannot help the way I feel,
My life hooked on fate's reel,
My life full of decisions,
Living within my contradictions,

Should I stay or should i go,
Why is it that I don't know,
Why can't I make up my mind,
Trapped within this mental bind,

For the love of god I pray,
What is it that I should say,
What is troubling me everyday,
How do I keep these thoughts at bay,

I guess I should not be indecisive,
Nothing gain out of being passive,
Nothing lost in being courageous,
I guess my mind is plain ridiculous.

3 Hearts

2008-02-14T18:36:00.002+08:00

They say in fate we only find,
Three loves in our life time,
Yet all I see of this,
Is two heartbreaks before bliss;

One heart to learn of love,
For no love fits like a glove,
One heart to break in pain,
From this hardship we will gain;

A second heart a second chance,
One life to love not just this once,
A time to heal a wounded heart,
One crack and it falls apart;

Three's a charm to keep you from harm,
One love that keeps your mind calm,
To truly understand this concept called love,
Is to cherish this gift of life from above.

-ori-angel-2008-

To thy new year

2008-01-31T08:59:00.001+08:00

So its the start of the New Year.

Things i've accomplished so far include, not getting a job, and quitting wow.

By far I"ve seen myself in worse scenarios but this one is hitting the nail one to many times.

It seems i'm desperate for a job if I were to stay here in New Zealand.

There are a few things that are caught in my head at the moment. The first being, what if i just call it quits and go home and get a job there?

Do i really want to be in New Zealand?

Do i want to live here and enjoy this freedom of complete isolation from friends and family from my past?

What price do I have to pay to stay here? Visa + accomodations are so pricy that i'd rather buy a ticket home and get a job then think about giving it a shot here...

In all seriousness, these are my options. If I were to stay, do I stay till the end ? Or do I call it early and go back and be serious about it .

I've only quitted WoW for 3 days and already the consequences of my playing spree arise like overgrown thick and thorny hedges beside a muddled footpath. I want to think that there is something that I can work out to give me alittle bit more time here without costing too much. As I see it now, there isn't anything that I can possibly do. Or am I not trying hard enough?

Its always when I want to take a stride into the light that I get pushed back. He always never gives it to me easy that father of mine. I guess striving for something has its rewards and although he shows it to me time and time again, I'm just not use to him shoving me back and forth all the time. They say the good man has plans but to think about it, he's not really sharing them since most of his so called plans end up being variations of my own choices. That's probably why I don't believe in fate.

As of now I have officially 1 month. To get my act together or fall on the floor. I've fallen before, but what i really want is to get myself together and pull a last minute success out of my magical illusive and invisible bag of tricks. Can i?

I'll just have to find out how much it'll cost to get my visa running. I'll decide from there. A one way ticket should be about the same price if not slightly more, and if that's the case then , I'll fly home. I feel like I'm already quitting but lets just be honest, I'm not exactly very happy living alone here anyway. Maybe that's cos I've been pampered too much, meh, fuck that. Lets see if i can get myself a few part time jobs to make up for the lost hours. If i can work full time via part time jobs i should earn enough money to at least pay rent and extend my visa. That's what i'll do.

Pulsing

2007-12-18T17:08:00.000+08:00

This pain in my chest,
Pulses from time to time,
A distant reminder,
Of my mortal future,

Its been so long,
yet so many things,
lie ahead of me,
What could it be,

What could hold me back,
From finding her,
Seeking for this feeling,
What am i thinking,

The last few weeks,
Time passes by,
So it also time,
That i say good bye,

My friend in times of need,
Through troubled times,
And nostalgic accomplishments,
Our fate intwines,

Sayonara oriangel,
Good bye my faithful friend,
Once again our lives part,
I hope it's not the end.

dawn

2007-10-31T18:18:00.000+08:00

My life circle is complete.

My youth and all that I have lived for has come to a silent end.

My journey like the orbit of the earth around the sun, shall continue to revolve.

Till the end of my time I will strive to make better of myself. In a world so unforgiving, uncaring and utterly void of peace.

I realise sometimes its what you make of the world that shapes your own, I didn't want mine to be that way, nor could i possible comprehend why it is now.

I am my own person as much as the stranger next to me. My life, is just passing through.

To go head strong into a world that will eat you alive, to bury my fears and face my demons, to brandish this sword, tempered with knowledge and sealed by the hammer of wisdom through the forging fires of passion and dreams. I wear my leather vest , feeling the soothing touch of what little experience surround me. Here with my wooden shield made of memories i stand before the devils inferno.

Such a heroic journey in the mind of a simpleton.

Will i make it back alive and live happily ever after with the one i truly love?

Once upon a time, I might have.

To my dearest grandma

2007-10-26T06:21:00.000+08:00

Sorry i couldn't be there,
I'm sorry if i wasn't a good enough grand son,
With all my heart i pray that you soul reaches the heavens,
and that god is happily welcoming you through his gates,
Thanks for thinking of me before you go,
Its nice to be thought of even though i'm miles away,
I'm sorry i couldn't be there,
Take care of yourself k.
Watch over us. Say hi to grandpa. Send him our love as well.
I'm sad to see you go. I wish i did see you go.
My exams are coming soon.
I can't even go home.
I can't even go home to send you off properly.
So all i can do now is pray. The only way I know how.
I hope it reaches you. Prayer mail sometimes never those.
I will remember all the happy times.
I hope that's all i remember.
I'm sobbing like hell now.
But its okay. I can hear your voice, i can see your face.
I remember your last words to me.
I will honor them.

I will live well. Watch over me k
Watch over all of us.

ovel

2007-09-29T17:37:00.000+08:00

I once asked myself what i first loved about the girl who was my first love. Yet i couldn't answer myself. I brushed it off as me having puppy love like feelings for her. Yet looking back 6 years , I finally found the answer. I loved her for everything she is and what we could have been. I loved having her around as much as she loved being with me. I love waking up in the morning by her side and i missed her wishing me good morning. Subtle things like her smile, the way she smell as she came out of the shower. The feeling of sleeping with someone that made you felt good about yourself. Secure, happy and complete. I love the way she'd responded as i tease her, that look she gives me when she's turning down my naughty request. Most of all, I miss the feeling that I now am proud to say, is love. Everything that makes it special between us.

How I long to have that again...

Even if its for a moment. To know what I want after searching within myself so long.

I'm abit embaressed yet happy that I've found out what this feeling is.

Whoever it is that falls in love with me, I hope she's cute. =D

Puzzling

2007-09-17T16:34:00.000+08:00

There comes a point in time where your life is going on its course. Where you stop and wonder, if there was another turning that you should have took. That you could have missed something. For me, that dreaded sense of regret begins to loom over me. What I have done for my life this week months has solely been for me. Is this my path to happiness. What is it that compels to me go forward and think about my choices now.

There is nothing i can change. From the past that is. Everything that has happen has happenned for a reason. Still I am compelled to ask myself why.

Why can't i accept that my life has moved on from where it once was?

And so it begins...

2007-08-06T00:42:00.000+08:00

All this while i've been searching for the ultimate quest. No, its not finding true love. Rather, its about having the one true goal that i should strive for. I understand myself far better then i did a few years back. I've come to realise that the only reason why i am not progressing is because i lack a clear and sensible heading or direction in which i should put all my effort into.

This somewhat weird quest to find a goal to attain has put me in such a spin that I have been delving back into the weird and atmospheric loneliness of online gaming. I guess if that isn't bad enough, it has put me in a situation where i am neither going backward nor moving forward.

Now i know this is bad for several reasons. If i am idle, that means there is no longer meaning to life. My brain would just cease to appreciate or neglect the better things in life i could have strive for and i would then be allowed to wallow in self pity and defeat with the rest of the losers that i so wish to not be. I refuse to allow myself to be stagnant and empty. So today I lay down in typing and pixelated ink, my goal to find a goal that i can achieve. To find the right fight to fight for, and to somehow move forward into this ever evolving maze of life.

I'll be 24 years old soon. My days are numbered. My friends... shrinking by the numbers.

Soon i'll be finding another reason, to live one more day. As i had in the past. This i shall not succumb to.

Here and back again or so it feels like

2007-07-08T13:57:00.001+08:00

Let me just start of by saying how excited I was about finally going "home". The whole trip, the mini reunions with various friends and family. Flaunting my more confident ability to express my experiences and thoughts without worrying to much about perceptions. There is nothing more remarkable then to find myself being able to surpass what I thought was impossible. To overcome a barrier that was build within me, to surpress the best of me because of notions of being looked at as cocky or too smart. I realise that as much as i supress my expressions and emotions the more I will feel insecure, and unfulfilled. To a degree I looked upon others nod of approval as a way to signify the nod to myself. Yet somehow, I already know the right decisions. I just need to do them.

It has always been that case, living back in Malaysia for 1 month has certainly reminded me of how lost I was. How much i was being pampered by my family and friends, how the independant me cried out for more control in a place I would hardly need to have any control in the first place. I learn that the best things in life are earned afterall. To earn this freedom and independance i need to go through 1 full circle. To first experience what freedom is not, and then slowly recognize its growing need. With freedom comes the desire to be independant. That I have nurtured and continue to do so by mistakes and experience through learning and observing others.

That's what i'm good at, observation. Yet the one person i fail to observe throughtout my whole time was myself back then. I nearly forgot how important it is to have myself looked at by me. It is afterall the only key to ever being able to surpass the boundaries set by your mind and that of others who deem themselves more superior. This one month going back home has made me lost my sense of direction, question my goals, and undermine my own efforts to achieve what I need in life. As much as it was bad, it was also good. I now know what it is that I love and cherish. What it is that I want so badly in life. Not freedom, but the persistent thought of a struggle. I'm never comfortable being idle. If i don't fight, I don't exist.

So here's my goal expiring next year, to find a job that continually challenges me positively. Hopefully not a sales job, but I shouldn't limit my options now ;)

ps. my telemarketing job really is for noobs. I wonder when i'll resign...meh

Caught up

2007-05-17T15:08:00.000+08:00

It's easy in life to get caught up,
In everything that is happening in life,
Take me for example my busy life,
Leave me wondering if i ever,
Would have time to get me a wife,

It's easy being single and free,
So much so that i can have tea,
and biscuits and toffee at forty,
Living in a big o mansion,
Lonely but strong and living healthily,

This is not the life I desire,
Nor is it a lifestyle I admire,
I can't say the same for all,
Yet i feel that it just might be,
My fated lonely destiny,

Why do you wonder did my life turn as such,
Well you really shouldn't wonder too much,
It's because i 'm all work and no play,
Neglecting my social duties,
and play computer games everyday,

A virtual life is not a lovely life,
A virtuos life is one with a lovely wife,
Life is about overcoming strife,
This is what happens when you get caught up,
And not realise what real life is all about.

Happiness

2007-05-17T14:58:00.000+08:00

This warm glow,
lingering,
deep inside,
I smile wide,

The skies,
turn violet,
my eyes,
are spies,

The people,
i see now,
move about,
without doubt,

Happiness,
I find,
Is just all,
In my mind.

Walk

2007-05-17T14:48:00.000+08:00

The long walk of life and love,
While being watched from above,
Feels like it's just an act,
Before I signed this death pact,

A walk with many signs and paths,
A walk with too many dark paths,
I some times wish for a little light,
When I travel this road of plight,

I walk my life at a slow pace,
Even so, I feel I'm in a race,
Life will end when I reach my mark,
It sure is a quick walk in the park,

-oriangel-2007

Self reflection

2007-05-16T00:45:00.000+08:00

Its been a month or more since I last wrote. Its been hard since I've been working. Yeah, what a joke, busy working so busy with myself that I've got no time to write out any troubles and too tired to even take out the frustrations that come and go with the job I had. So here's a little take at the end of my resignation of the job that I've finally decided to write out.

For 4 months I've enrolled myself in one of the most challenging jobs that i've ever been in. Not that I've been in much jobs but this one by far seems to be one of the not so common jobs that push the boundaries of my own principals, beliefs and even draw me into forgetting what made me the person I was. Sheer belief or mental power is such a strong motivator that it makes a loser a winner any day. What was it that's so challenging about a sales job anyway?

The stuff;
Working as a door to door salesman in a team is pretty much a rag tag job of persuading yourself. Yes, persuading yourself. Its not about persuading the people that you meet through the door, or persuading the person to buy whatever it is that you are selling. Its all about persuading the one person that is harder to persuade then anyone else that you've met before in your entire life.

Throughout the first month, I've been humiliated, demoralised, kicked out, beaten, cursed at, slapped, barked at, chased by a dog, betrayed by my own boss, felt low and lousy, any form of degration that you can think of while trying to persuade people to let you in to clean carpets. I won't mention the product name for fear of reprisal , but i'll type a big hint for myself should I forget. It starts with K. It cost about 4 k and cleans your carpet and I use it to clean other peoples carpet for free kay? =p

I sincerely was dumbfounded how I made through my first month. Like the many in my class before me, people drop out in the first 2 weeks or less. Somehow me staying in the job for 4 months is still considered a norm. Then again, if i were to stay any longer i would have been totally brain washed into believing that 16 hours a day for 7 days a week for the next 7 years of my life will make me a millionaire. I refuse to believe that I can put myself in that position and burn myself , my friends and my family for a job that holds so much insecurity yet is frighteningly secure in terms of promotion and advancement.

It was the question, am I willing to sacrifice ? that was all it took for me to make up my mind. The word sacrifice and the meaning of belief that I cannot put myself through such ways had me staying up till 3 am putting together a simple letter entitled Resignation. It took the boss 3 seconds to read it. I only said 3 words. Just like that, I became another drop out. One that never made it but hold much potential. I could only assume he said those things to make me feel sorry and regretful. The way that my team members cursed and sweared at the so called "losers" that drop out. I could only imagine them cursing at me behind my back as I walk out the door. The very same people that call me losers are the very people that dropped out of school, and were way younger then me. They laugh at education and mock the rich who refused to buy our products. They bemoan the comfort in working for long hours in the reward of extreme riches that should or may come years ahead. Goal driven and self motivated daily with special workshops by U.S. consultants every few months. I can see myself in their shoes a few years on. Doing exactly what they do. Laughing at the rich and cursing those with bad credit. Using the hundreds if not thousands of people that sift in and out their false advertising on jobs that will earn you 2k a month.

Dropping my friends like dead weight on the ocean because they're not "positive minded" and don't view things like we do. All this for a world of riches.

*news flash back* My world, my past, my very being, is formed with the basis of sustaining friendships and maintaining kinship. Drop them like dead weight? WTF? They're all losers? Cough cough, nah, I'll pass. My friends are my world. My family second. My life third. My life revolves around caring for others before myself. Although i've learned to balanced that, my priorities towards my friends feelings come strongly before mine.

By the fourth month, i've learned that if i set my mind on achieving something and take action to achieving it. It happens. Perseverance, hard work and strong self belief has built me up in the last 4 months more then anything or any game that i've played has ever done. Not to mention making me realise the true meaning of being a professional. Also losing alot of weight =p.

As i look back upon my life and reflect that with the 4 months of work that i've been through. I've actually discovered and learned more about myself in 4 months then any other part of time in my life. Being positive has helped shaped my life, my body , my mind, my perception , my belief. So is the 4 months worth it ? yeah. If given the chance to choose between a normal job and that for 4 months, I would do the sales job all over again. Only because it changed me so much. It was an essential learning experience that has made me a better person.

The Gaping Chasm

2007-02-18T18:44:00.000+08:00

No time to write about my sorrows...

Well, there isn't much sorrows to write about. But since i'm writing now would probably mean there's something in my mind. Its been nearly 30 days since I last wrote. I haven't gone away from my blog that long but yet I feel like I just wrote the last one like yesterday.

Money has always been an issue in people's lives. Mine is no exception. With a strangle hold coming in on my funds due to my stubborness to want to receive income from my parents. I'm pretty much left with whatever else I can earn or muster. I guess there comes a time in my life where the only way to keep pushing myself forward is to fall. Man I hope it don't hurt to bad. I got to get up after that too...

I try to see what's bugging me recently. But all I see is myself bugging myself. Holding me back with pathetic excuses and insignificant dilemmas. I already know what i want to do. What i can do. What i must do. Its simple when you think about it. I have to prove to myself that I can do it. Not find excuses in everything and anything. A wise man once said, "if you knew better you'd do better" . I agree. He also said alot of things, but this one was stuck in my head.

I know better now. I am doing better. I hope i'm not asking too much. I sure as hell am shooting for the moon. Its big its round, and if i miss i don't care, odds are in a couple of lightyears i'll hit a star. Either way, I can't give up now. My life is in my own hands, i made damn sure of it and somehow I'm scared of the consequences. meh.. Quitters ain't winners, If i'm scared to walk i shouldn't even be borned.

So, time to see if i can fly,
pass the gaping chasm high,
the grass is green on this end,
as i close my eyes and pretend,
the grass is greener on the other end.

I don't know

2007-01-18T18:40:00.000+08:00

I don't know what i'm feeling anymore,
Sometimes i wonder if i ever cared,
Lying here staring at the stars at night,
The distant glimmer of hope beyond the twilight,

Give me a moment to hold on to this thought,
It is the last thing that liberates my soul,
I see but one reason to stay here just a little longer,
In my own world and carefree existence without this hunger,

My walls and my shadows, my horizon and my skies,
My very being entrenched in cold sweat and bitter tears,
Take this image of me away from my darkest depths of my mind,
And forever free me from the heavy chains of my fated time,

Idleness be set loose like a train derailed from its tracks,
smashing and crashing and twisting in a tragedy of emptiness,
where actions are devoid and feelings are mundane and boring,
What is the meaning of life without purpose and heading,

Take me to a place where i will not be judged and labelled,
clear me of my stereotype and my first impressions,
Clean my slate and let me walk down this pathway,
one without eyes and ears but a mouth to say,

I don't know what is it you want from me this year,
I don't care what is needed of me to say or do or ask,
I am but your puppet doll and what you do is not my worry,
I am nothing more then an empty shell who'll never be sorry.

In the Waiting line

2007-01-18T02:43:00.000+08:00

Inspired by the song In the Waiting Line by Zero 7

Waiting in line for my life to end,
Wondering how an email is sent,
Idle thoughts in a small mind,
Lost in time in the waiting line,

Standing here waiting in line,
Wondering why I wait for love,
As the dagger nears my heart,
Once again I queue up from the start,

No.53 it is your turn to feel,
the numbing pain beyond a heated steel,
Feel it burn and sting and scar once again,
Now get back in the line till none remain,

One by one we go through this endless queue,
But only one chance would we feel no pain,
No sufferring agony and hatred within,
Only one heart to feel this love without sin.

--copyright ori 2007-

New Year Bang

2007-01-11T08:20:00.000+08:00

Recently a day before New Year something must have happenned to me. My right foot has a sudden and severe pain shooting from the sole of my big toe. Its bearable at first but 3 days after its initial start, the pain has now increase 2 fold and it might cause some complications. I'm afraid of what might have caused it, I hope its minor and that it will pass but there's also a naggging sense to visit the doctor. Gosh i need help. I'm not sure of what to do now.
To be overwhelmed by one sense in which case of pain should be something a man can take. But sometimes, it builds up a toll, a toll that doubles the pain could only mean bad news. ... I pray that i will be okay.

Happy New Year 2007

2006-12-31T20:05:00.000+08:00

nearly a year has passed since I came to New Zealand.

How long more till I see that door god will show me?

Cheers everyone. May 2007 bring joy and success.

nobody sees me

2006-12-31T20:02:00.000+08:00

nobody sees me

Nobody can see,

as i cry alone,
my heart a stone,

dried of love;

Nobody can see,

the look of my face,
full of disgrace,

sadness incarnate;

Nobody can see,

my body a blister,
my mind in a twister,

longing a soul;

Nobody can see,

the worst of me,
as i let life be,

a cruel destiny.

-Written by Ori angel Copyright 2007

Thoughts for food

2006-12-31T19:52:00.000+08:00

Lately the constant toll of waking up early and traveling for long hours have worn me down completely. I wake up feeling rather tired and feel constantly disturbed by my ever trailing thoughts. Its not like these thoughts never went through my head. Its just maybe the long idleness has given me loads of free time to think about the things that I enjoyed, the things that bother me. Me constantly reflecting on my thoughts and my dreams have brought about a certain uncertainty. As always, i felt better just writing out what bothers me most, to a certain degree so as to not let them well up into a volcano and explode.

Well lets start with the starters. Like a 3 course menu =)

Starter- Life' Soup of the Day with "hopeless" bread.

My life and where its heading now. Deep down i feel like i'm not trying hard enough to succeed. There's just a a window of opportunity somewhere and somehow i feel like i'm not looking hard enough for it. Or If i did find it, i might have somehow not used enough effort and strength to open it. Crossfire this with disappointment, and u get a very strong nagging sense of negativity that deprives the very essence of my happiness and being.

Main- Grilled Broken Heart served with a little bit of bitterness and some "lost" boiled vegetables and smashed dreams.

Without trying to feel to bad for myself. I can't say i've successfully avoided not wanting to feel this feeling. It has tugging me ever so incessively that i've now taken it upon myself to maybe once and for all to try and drop this. I tell myself that as charming and good as i am and will always be, the best part of me will only be accepted by my future companion when i'm in my 30's MINIMUM. Its such a sad fact to have to convey to myself with the other half of me screaming in denial. Truth be told, i've runned out of excuses to give myself now. As a website once wrote " Hope is the first step to disappointment" . To hope for the best is not enough. I shan't hope for anymore. The feelings of being lost and having my dreams of having someone to share my life with have all but remain a bad dream or memory. Fading in and out of my life with as the girls i fancy change from time to time. Till nothing is left but a picture of me, looking at the sky wondering where 's the love...

Times like these i doubt my self worth terribly. Am i not worthy? Do i really not deserve someone ? Already i have been stunted of parental love. Yes i am grateful for whatever i get, but is it wrong to ask for more besides the love of god? Have i mixed up my feelings for love with the need for belonging ? which isn't even a problem anymore now that i think of it. All this questions lingering on as i wait for the essence of time to reveal its answer. I won't say god because i've troubled him enough by praying for strength and wisdom and protection for my family and best of friends.

Desert- 2 scoops of dillusion in a waffle cone

Yet with all this problems, my brain seems to function at an entirely different wavelength then my heart. Choosing to mix fiction with fact and distorting the very perception of reality that i live in. From images of past and present success that evolve to a shot of me living glamourously like some pop star or the cheer of thousands as i save the world from some doom's day device or maybe even the ever elusive assassin with sordid array of psy skills that defy the laws of physics. Each time i fight for a different cause, each time a sacrifice made on my part of sanity. What more is left within me now as i dream of wielding a 30 inch glowing beam arrowhead shaped sword from my wrist and wielding it around like Yoda in Episode 2...

Excuse me while i go to the toilet and stick a finger up my throat.

Colour me a lake of blue

2006-12-31T19:45:00.000+08:00

My cousin 's been hogging my laptop for picture filling purposes and what not. Its a little hard having to share something that was yours solely, leaving me little time for me to write about my own experiences while she happily writes it in a notebook and pencil.

I'll do my best to recap where i've been and what not.

At Queenstown i went for a nice quiet peaceful walk alone. YES. ALONE. A little peace of mind finally. Being on this family trip has zeroed my personal space to well... zero. Once again the view was awesome, the scenery, fanfuckingtastic. Just a little moment alone on this holiday everyday is all i really need to make me enjoy this trip. Away from noisy whiny kids, and what not...It was also interesting to see someone else do the bungy besides friends. Mainly my cousin =).

The trip to Lake Tekapo was VERrry Long. 8 hour drives plus stops. It was insane for me to be stuck in a van that long. I can't imagine how my aunt survived or kept us alive for that matter by driving for that long as well. The scenery however was surprisingly different. Aside from the usual Sheeps, cows, green valleys of grass and wild flowers of yellow and purple. Yes, its that beautiful =p, As we neared Tekapo we came across huge dry lands which are BROWN for a change, with hills going up and down and dry grass to make it all look like a giant arabian carpet. The sensational alps in the background doesn't hurt one bit in framing and contrasting the view. Plus the sun slowly setting in the horizon was just mind blowingly beautiful. I'm surprise it didn't melt of the snow on the alpines =p.

Upon reaching Taupo few minutes after sunset, a slight purple glow was on the waters with a hint of aqua. Lake Taupo ladies and gents is the most beautiful lake I've ever seen in my life ( period ). The cottage we're stayin for the night was delightfully cosy. As the last of the sunlight dissappeared, My eyes came across my good old constellation Orion's Belt, together with the North Star and.............WTF...OMG, LOADS OF OTHER OTHER OTHER TRILLION STARS. HAHA, i nearly burst into tears thinking about it. I've personally never seen so many stars in my life. Every inch of the sky twinkles like bright sunlight on water. It was just amazing... If there was a time where I felt nothing ever mattered in the world, this would be it.

The next morning, I woke up late, that pretty much means i have to pack up quick and what not. Within 30 minutes, yes i said quick but i still need time, I was outta there and waiting to find out where we're going next. So off we went, to be greeted with a splendid view of Lake Tekapo now blue in all its glory, like a kids crayon painting of water. VERY VERY BLUE BLUE.
The salmon farm was for the kids. But that didn't stop me from being fascinated from the school of salmon following my every movement as i wave their food from bowls like a pixie waving magic dust. Recording it on my camera and enjoying the view of complete isolation as we were standing in the middle of a river feeding fish miles from the nearest town, in awe with nature and that quiet lonely road. We then bought a salmon back to be BBQ'd as we went off to my aunt's friends place for a quick barbeque. Which turned out to be near perfect as the salmon was awesome grilled. ( Not to mention raw =p )

We then went to the highest observation point near Lake Tekapo , i wasn't joking about the blue lake and the amazing landscape. The observation point was also a home to a newly openned cafe beside a huge observatory. I can only imagine the stars here at night to be 10 times more sparkly then what i saw from the old church beside the lake. As i stand here with the wind on my back and the sun basking me tan with all its glory, a little part of me felt lighter as i realize what i would have missed out have I been adamant about staying back in Malaysia. My life has no regrets now.

Time like these makes me feel good to be alive for a change.

Up and in the cold cold ice

2006-12-31T19:42:00.000+08:00

Franz Josef Ice glaciers.

What can i say, for someone who's never seen snow fall let alone know what a glacier is till today. I must say i am impressed. The hike to the glacier and on it was just one awe inspiring trip to one of nature's most unique wonders in New Zealand. The natural sculpture of ice as it forms and bunches forward under the pressure of the glacier bowl is immensely beautiful and dangerous at the same time. Together with the ever knowledgeble guides that seem to defy the laws of gravity and the seemingly unrelenting slippery ice, we made our way to a path which changes constantly.

The accumulation of ice and water constantly halts the journey as the guides dig up what was once a step of ice for us to step on which had turned into a solid ice cube slippery enough to skate on. Equipped with razor talons or ice talons for extra grip, we did glide through the most of the ice but with a constant thought that all this can turn tragic at any moment if we lose our balance and fall of the edge. Yes, the ever beautiful yet deadly edge. Even as we slowly ventured into this behemoth of ice,art and nature, I can't help but admire the view from different angles as the ice radiates the sunlight of the bright afternoon that approached. Helicopters whizz by from the flying tour groups that drop people to the top of the glacier. Although i would have chosen to do so as well, i just simply cannot afford to spend 350 Nz for a 2 hour trip at the top of the glacier. To me, i think that's easy mode. Lets just say my health and fitness isn't as weak as i thought of it when i first came to NZ. I have improved immensely, and as i stand at our endpoint at the edge of the glacier, i can say that proudly.

Now to walk to the nearby mamak stand for teh ais limau. Like there ever would be one...

Choo Choo

2006-12-31T19:37:00.000+08:00

So the Hot air balloon was kick ass. The whole peace and tranquilty thing few thousand feet above the air was really something. The occassional fireblast from the blasters did nothing to spoil the peacefulness but provided a rather nice warm feeling in the basket. Couldn't ask for more.

So my first ever train ride ended with Trans Scenic instead of my predicted KTM to Singapore. LOL. I can officially say i've conquered most known modes of transportation now. The one thing i can elaborate about the scenery is that its all green. Yup, green from the mountains to the trees to the grasslands to the fences and the animal life which mostly consist of horses, sheeps, cows, lambs, etc?. Occasionally a relief comes about when a great mountrain full of a variety of flowers come into view and the clouds change from a dull shade of grey to a pleasant white due to the burst of sunlight every now and then. Pity its so cloudy today, makes for a very depressing and gloomy scene.

However, all this soon changed when the train passes through a tunnel, and like magic, the entire landscape around us changed to beautiful mountain ridges with wild blooming mountain flowers and rivers flowing along side tracks. The train's observation deck openned its doors to eager passengers with their cameras and estatic chatter. I was of course, happily one of them. Although i couldn't not understand why I chose to be blown to numbness by the chilling winds and smoked to death when the train goes in a tunnel, yet it was all worth it when the pictures come out with stunning clarity and my vivid imagination of beautiful mountain sides and flowers come to life in one perfect picture.

The van rental service we hired was okay. They picked us off to sign the papers and soon we were on our way to Franz Josef 's out of Greymouth. It was a few hour journey, and the malfunctioning headphones of my mp3 player soon annoyed me enough to sleep for the most of it. The rain and dark clouds didn't help much with the journey and only made me sleepier still. Not much of a scenery, but as we near the alps the area begin to slowly gave way to a brighter sun and much much greener grass.

For once, the grass is greener on the other side.

The rabbits are loose

2006-12-31T19:34:00.000+08:00

Its 3. am
The sun is still asleep. The moon is having a rave party and the stars aren't giving a toss with their blink blink and groupe constellations.
The question here is WTF am i doing awake at 3 am.....Well it certainly ain't for biscuits and tea ..oh would you like some sugar dear?

Air balloon ride. LOL. Indeed, this is gonna be a wicked experienced. 2nd day of my trip to unknown really. What i love about family trips are that its an all expense paid to somewhere and you just tag along. Except well, I do happen to live here, and have the currency here as well. Which means, well i'm shit outta luck if I got to pay for the most of it. Which isn't a problem till i run out of cash * smiles sheepishly*.

If you could picture a guy with tossed hair, listening to Mozart's Solitudes with 2 sleepy eyes, a dust covered shirt due to sleeping on the couch and various blur looks to accompany. Yeah that's me. I won't even entertain myself by doing self photography now, I bet i can't even shoot straight let alone pick up the camera =p.

I must say this cottage is really something. A nice fireplace, 2 long couches, TV, kitchen, 3 bedrooms and 1 bathroom. A sweetass garden full of flowers and greenery of many kinds which I didn't bother remembering in Form 4. Small bookshelf full of books. The only thing that I'd like now is just a little chinese tea in a pot and some Dim Sum minus the kids that tag along with this journey and their extravagant noises. Squealing and Shouting and Talking like Energizer Rabbits with unlimited Battery till Meal or Bed times.

Oh well, I must go, need to turn up that CELTIC PIANO RELAXATION CrAP and keep myself mentally sane. I know, i'm a jerk when it comes to getting along with kids. And i got a few weeks of this ahead of me. Oh I'm in for it now. I wonder if I could tolerate this for the whole trip.

Edelweiss~~~~Edelweiss~~~~

Moving Out

2006-11-28T09:17:00.000+08:00

Its final. I will be officially out of my room on 3rd of December. To be temporary relocated to another block. Somehow deep down I get the feeling I will miss this room. Its been apart of my life this past few months. An although I now dread the management which has recently acquire this apartments, I shall be more then happy to stay for one more day to truly appreciate where I live my life for the past 9 to 10 months. These 4 walls have kept me in and let me out. These 4 walls i shall scrub. These 4 walls i shall clean. These 4 walls I shall have to let be.

So , now comes the hard part. Of having to clean this entire place up.
Repack. Rearrange. Rethink. Remake.
Pretty much a variation of
Rest, Recreation, Restoration,Rejuvenation.
Heh, not that i'm complaining, I welcome this change.
I like it actually.

Well, the lack of trance and house music is made up for the availability of church and classical instrumentals recently. Both of which are a nice relieve for my music deprived soul. Oddly enough, I dare say I miss Hitz.fm or Fly.fm. But its just a thought. In truth, I miss home again. As queer as I am away from it and as much as i have changed in character, I believe strongly in the saying, Home is where the Heart is =)

To truly feel like I've accomplished something, is to come full circle with myself. I can never do that if I never go home. It is after all where i left off. Hence where i should return to one day.
Speaking of which, I must try to get hold of BBC1 Pete Tong's essential mix recordings. Hopefully a good one. Somehow my fancy from British rock has somehow jump to British indie and club music. I shudder to think that I'm worthy of being called a Brit Junkie but I truly just like their music more then American hip hop and well.. pop...

Oh gosh, heh, as I'm typing, i realise how much work I have ahead of me. I may as well list out what I need to get out of this place before I leave. Just as a checklist for myself.

Laptop and other electrical appliances
Clothes and Whatnot..toothbrush, comb, facial stuff, what not
Other stuff- Bible,map, whisky glass, cds, Poker set, cups.
Cash, Lots of it =p, nah, just coins, and what other loose change i've hidden
Books, Tons of it, notes, Forms, passport, contract, bla bla.

Heh, and i only manage to list down 5 categories. Looks like my heads been working more then faster then I thought. I guess coming here did upgrade my primal Pentium 2 brain to a standard Pentium 3. Now if only i can upgrade that too a dual core processor =p

Yup, that's about it. One last look at this room to make sure what goes in what, and Now... I'm off to packing. Wish me luck. Lol. I hope i don't forget anything. It's so hard to pack everything once you unpack everything.

Stepping up

2006-11-17T00:30:00.000+08:00

DO i need to. For her. For me. For my future.

What is it with me that fears this. The attention , the limelight. Why.

I can't. Should i? Maybe?.

It hurts to not know what i need to do,
It hurts to not know what i should do,
It hurts to feel this endless confusion,
It hurts to feel this endless comotion.

I hate to know what is right for me right now,
I hate to know what is needed of me somehow,
I hate to judge this part of me so lost,
I hate to judge this for what it will cost.

Give me freedom that i long for within,
Give me freedom one without such sin,
Give me life which i can live without love,
Give me life god in heaven above.

I want to cry but i can't and i won't,
I want to cry but i know i won't,
I want to dream now in this slumber,
I want to dream now a little longer.

Father in heaven help me for this might be love,
Father please i beg of you to tell me its not love,
Father guide me if i have been unfaithful,
Father for i have sinned please be merciful.

Home and Away

2006-11-15T05:41:00.000+08:00

Honey darling baby baby,

I am missing my home. The thought of seeing all my old friends.
Seeing others leave me by,
as i patiently wait for my own destiny to unravel.
You have no idea what it feels like to see people leave everyday one by one. maybe...

So meg's gone. Sent her off myself today. The end of my best attempts put to practice on just that one girl. I could say it turned out okay, mainly because it was all her doing =). She was a nice girl to start with and i could only wish they were more like her in this world we live in. Althought she wasn't meant for me to begin with.

My mind begins to wander as i worry about things like exam results and how i would support myself in the future next year. Yes yes, its a new beginning for me. I'm not saying i'm not looking forward to it, but i'm afraid. Yes, i feel fear, yes i bleed, yes i am no longer that immortal avatar of myself that lives in the heaven. I'm merely me , and that makes me human.

On a lighter note, i've been able to pull myself together through it all. I am both amazed and surprised the outcome wasn't what i thought it would be when i first came here. But there are many things that i did not foresee. Ah well, that's life. Can i maybe live through this a little longer for my own sake? Time will tell.

"Its difficult not to feel alittle bit difficult and dissappointed. Especially when i don't see the person i intended to be anymore.
But i flew with the obvious to see if there is more to it.
Only to realise i was just trying to avoid my own tragic failures,
as i expect to much of people,
as i see through it all.

Can i think of anything else about this experience? Apparently nothing at all.
To the people that don't see me, there is nothing left to see by the time i'm done with this . you will no longer recognise what i have become."
- Quote in league with lyrics from A Perfect Circle - 3 Libras -

Perfect Circle

2006-11-07T21:18:00.000+08:00

In the world we live in. Life goes in circles. When one circle begins, another one ends. I want to think that i am living in a perfect circle. But the circle is far from perfect. The circle my friends, doesn't even look like one. Its twisted, bent, turning and changing and morphing freely. It does this as we meet other people's life circles around us. Getting intwined and morhping again to accomodate it.

I hate circles. I love squares. I like how they're solid. That they have 4 corners. That they are consistently calculatable. I like it if love was a square.

What's going on in my circle now?

Nothing.

I want to make my circle perfect.

But to be honest, I'm just making it square.

a lovely day

2006-11-01T01:16:00.000+08:00

Its been a long time since i last fell in love. Or at least experience the feeling of
looking into someone
else's eyes and feel something.

Oh i miss this feeling.But then again, its just another temptation in a table full
of the best food in the
world.

Janella my dear, would u remember me tomorrow?

The ressurection of Ori- Angel

2006-10-19T06:41:00.000+08:00

Recently , and i must stress most recently. I have been thinking of this for awhile now.

If there was one thing that made me feel better, stronger, smarter, and overall much more of a human being anywhere in this world. It would be in World of Warcraft. Now for those of you who know, i've given up on the game for good. You'll would have seen some of my dramatic post about it. But here's the catch, I honestly feel that i had more of a semblance of life then in the game then i have now. Sure, i might not be with friends, but the one thing that i have was a collective family online.

I miss that feeling. To make a difference in someone's life. Even for 1 second. To know that my every being and strength is utilised to help someone. TO help someone. Even that is hard to do these days without looking like you're being honest about the helping part. I mean come on, what the hell is wrong with this world. Can you honestly believe that there is no free lunch?
That there are people like me who are willing to and will do anything to help you if and when i can?

The game gave me that opportunity. Somehow, that opportunity does not arise itself in any other game i've played by far. No , not even Counterstrike.

I miss her. Oriangel. My image of a true guardian angel. Protector and helper. Keeper and healer. I'm one heck of a priest, and i shouldn't deny myself the pleasure of being as such. As much as i hate to break my resolve in quitting the game, it breaks my heart to feel unneccessary any longer in this world.

Has my life improved without wow? yes.

Will i be raiding like a mad whore when i play back? maybe.

Do i want this? hell yes.

If there is one thing i'll say no to. It'll be to the assumption that all gamers are losers. I'm out to prove a point.

One must fall

2006-10-13T22:18:00.000+08:00

To rise again,
One must fall,
Into the depths,
of losing it all,

I can't lose,
I don't want to,
Yet i must,
for you,

I am you,
You are me,
together we are,
one you'll see,

Look in your eyes,
and tell me,
who you want,
to truly be,

See that you,
your destiny,
your future,
is with me,

know that you,
are the key,
to your life,
that you seek,

no one else,
can be me,
can be you,
can be true,

to this one,
single cause,
of returning,
this one life,

that has been,
that will be,
that is yours,
to he that is,
your keeper.

-Courage, faith and will, may it carry me strong into the storms of my life-

-ori^angel-

Let go

2006-10-08T01:39:00.000+08:00

What have i been doing?

When i think about it i can't figure out exactly what my purpose driven life is about and where i'm really heading. I know where i want to, but that's way different from where i'm at now.

I can't lie to myself. I know that more then all of you. I want to feel like i don't need love to survive and get through life. I want to think that i don't need love to survive and get through life. I want to let go of this figment of my imagination , or this mixture of emotion. I want to release myself from this hunger. A hunger to feel incomprehensible, inprobable, unpredictable and totally in love for someone.

My mind can only conjure that many stands to a point not to want to fall in love. But the more i deny it, the more it gets to me. Must i find someone to love, who will love me back in return? Hell yes. I hate myself for saying it, for admiting that i need it so much. For the record i haven't truly been loved back in return. So what's the point really? Is what i seek a delusion of thoughts and media images displayed in a rail of film of cute actresses and charming men in each other's arms?

What is it that drives me to such thoughts now i can only wonder. I've faced with so many walls. I've gone through so many as well. In my head i can be everything and nothing, but in reality the walls that i try to breakdown do not crumble. The blocks in my path do not budge. The blood in my veins continue to pump. But the strength in me vains with every punch. The little joy i find in life slowly begins to seep away. What can i do to make it better for myself. My life. My everything. The only thing that i hold dear and true. Me. What can i do. What should i do.

Time and time again i 've wanted to let go. Of all my responsibilities, my fears, my anger and frustrations towards my own failures. Time and time again, i've been shot down, bruised, hurt, kicked around and ping - ponged back and forth between life and expectations. Would it not be easier if life was just another game that i could cheat in?

hah, I can't cheat life. I can't cheat life because i can't cheat myself. It has nothing to do with god and his plans right now. Just me. Put a sock in it someone once said as i went on babbling about the sad alter ego that's totally the only guy that i hang out with in my head.

I"m not a good enough copywriter. I'm not trained to be an art director. I can't rhyme enough to be a poet. I can't play enough to be a professional gamer. I can't succeed enough to be a good son. I can't help but feel that i've let everyone that i've known down. I can't help but feel that life maybe abit too much for me right now.

I need a hug. heh. Brings me back to the old times when i use to beg my girlfriend to hug me then. Ex. If only she knew that the few seconds she did so would just rub of all the worries and insecurities that eat me up when i'm with her, not some perverted move to feel her tits. Maybe i'll go throw a basketball now. Who knows, it might just bounce back and crack my skull and i would be dead before i can post my next blog.

laterz

p.s., I should go back to kindergarden, colour abit more loves with red and i swear people will start calling me " flaming gay".

p.s.s. "not gay" kkthxbye

Aeroplane fly high high , Boom Crash, oh My My

2006-09-24T19:44:00.000+08:00

BANG BANG! eeeeeOOOOOuuuuuuuuuuu Kaboom! ching

Crash and burn baby. That's the how it turned out. Wasn't that bad this time around. Don't feel like a total shit. Didn't feel like taking a bullet , or anything silly for that matter. Compared to the old days, i think its not bad. Must be the air around here, always cold, making me somewhat resilient to such things.

I just found out i have a deadline for my Interactive Media this Wednesday. Having to restart my assignment, this means i'm in deep trouble. Lots of work to catch up. Sigh, i guess maybe i might have the energy to go on. I am after all abit just tired of sleeping. Been doing that for nearly 2 weeks. Heh, nearly watched all the movies in Dc ++ anyways. Nothing to entertain myself. Maybe i can impress the likes of me to be a better man when it comes to time management.

Oo , i better go to gym tomorrow, totally skip this whole week cos i was just tired and worn out from all that Diablo 2.

Trying to keep my poetry real. Its been harder and harder. I don't like to make stuff up. Its just not me. Doesn't connect. But i haven't been experiencing anything superb of late. Good or bad, that i can just tune in to and write about. Maybe this one could help, just this shoot down could be healthy. For my writing at least =)

Always a good thing that comes from a sad or bad thing.

E-mail Blues

2006-09-23T04:47:00.000+08:00

I'd hate to say it but. I feel i've done something stupid again. First i shouldn't have ask a girl out with sms. Yup, and to put salt to the injury, i've made the 2nd biggest mistake by asking the girl if i could know her better by "SENDING HER AN EMAIL" .

Oh well, i needed to vent that. I feel stupid. The holidays sorta made me feel lost. Like i didn't know what i needed to do or what life was suppose to be. I don't know really what to expect. I wish i had the sanity and strength that i had a month ago to keep myself focused. But i guess i've lost that for the moment. Recently i was attracted by this japanese girl in my apartment. Rolled a dice and the next thing u know, i' m taking 6 steps to see if i can set myself up with her.

Intention? purpose? i don't know. Its like i wanted to challenge myself. To prove to myself that nothing should hold me back. Win or lose it doesn't matter. Only the courage to want to prevail. Its insane really. But i wanted this so badly. I have no idea why. I needed to prove to myself that there is hope within me to succeed if i put my heart into something. Love? hell no. Just now attraction . *looks at myself and laughs out loud* Oh well, with my dignity on the line, its all or nothing. Would i get crushed? well, i might get a dent, but it doesn't matter, its just me. I'll live for sure.

Lately i've been questioning my own definition of love. What i truly seek. Somehow or rather i feel i'm missing a point here and there about what it truly is for me. Man i'm sleepy. Its 8.48 am and i haven't gone to bed for nearly 24 hours. What's keeping me? well bad sleeping habits that's what. Combine that with an overly active brain at night and you get mr Nocturnal . Not that you needed to know that but i figured its best to remind yourself of your stupidly human flaws and what not from time to time.

Fear is a good fuel. I think i'll use that to shape my life in the coming weeks. I hope i don't push this fear thing too much, to control fear is one thing, to be manipulated by it will bring about death.

Oh wtf, i forgot, i'm suppose to just remind myself about Megumi. Not give myself a silly lecture at 9 in the morning.

Clear Resolution

2006-09-03T01:14:00.000+08:00

Hello, once again, its been a very very long time since my last post.

I shall spare you the introduction and get straight to what's been missing. A clear resolution. One that steers my compass. To find my treasure. To fulfill my destiny, and seal my fate.

I can say what i want in my own life. How its heading now. How it would be later. But the one thing i fail to realise is. Change is a gradual process. Not one that can be enforced by the spur of the moment. I would love to think that i have been a better man since my last post. The truth is, i have been. I've managed to stick to one thing, quitting wow. I believe that is a big step. Yet, i must not let my guard down and by overwhelm by this one success no matter the size.

Consistency is my new goal. To be consistent in my life, in the things i do , my mood, my mind set, my heart and my body. I've just joined the gym. The one consistent thing i wish to aim for would be to go to the gym everyday regardless. To make it a habit and try to break my old self insecure image. To form a new me physically. One that will inspire me to continue to strive for this secure image .One that i will have no regrets going for.

I wish i can be more then i am now. But wishing won't get anyone anywhere. I've learn that the hard way. What i want i must strive for. What i need i must fight for. There is no free lunch, no sudden favours, only pure dumb luck if you might even consider that a extremely good thing. But like pool, luck is a luxury that comes as fast as it goes. Luck is also a 2 sided coin, good luck and bad luck happen to just come and go as they please.

I want to change. I want to prove to myself that i can be a better man. I want to prove to everyone that i can survive. I can make it in this world with my own world. I can be alone and be strong. I must prove to myself that i can be this better person. Not because I need to show off or any other reason. But because i want to and fuck what the others have to say. I have nothing holding me back. Nothing should be holding me back. NOt even me. Why should i not deserve my own chance for glory.

For i am a scorpio, one who shall succeed if he sets his mind into something. For that, i shall set my mind into one thing and one thing only. TO improve my image mentally and physically. To be strong and cunning yet smart. I want to be that person. I want to be in that dream. I want to live that dream. I need to , i want to , i have to, i must.

These are the new words. My new words. There is no they, only me. There is no others, only me. My life is my own. My future my own, My destiny my own. Come what may in life, there is only 1 person i can rely on the most. Me.

For i am the only thing standing between life and death, my life or death is the only thing worth fighting for. I will not just die. Not in a hail of bullets. Not in a web of lies. Not bitten and chewed out by insecurity. Not by a mere struggle for a moment of glory. But for a shot to make use of life that has been bestowed upon me. To make life better for people that i know around me.

Chances come and chances go

2006-08-11T16:13:00.000+08:00

Such is life when i'm on the go,
Chances come and chances go,
Looking forward from here on out,
Figuring out what living is all about,

No one to turn to when i'm lonely,
Only god and my own faith solely,
Clinging on to my dreams that are fading,
Making my way pass a past not worth fighting,

Can someone stay with me for alittle while,
A can do with this memory when i'm senile,
But till that day comes i cannot quit,
I have something in life to hold on abit,

Everyday the sun shines through my window,
I wake up just to feel the morning wind blow,
The simple pleasure that tell me i'm alive,
Surely somehow i'm strong enough to survive,

Let not my heart be discouraged by my failure,
Or disappointment from my own reckless behavior,
Someday i will look back to this newly forged past,
And prove to myself that nice guys don't finish last.

Where do i want to go from here

2006-07-17T18:24:00.000+08:00

Ah..................I really thought i knew where it was i wanted to go. Yeah yeah, but its not what i had in mind. Now that i look at the various paths that have brought me to my maturity,mmmm, such are the days of my sadly glorious youth with its live a day with joy motto and just let things happen. Ah how i wish i can go back to those days indeed. The time where it was oh so stupid, and oh so dumb to be cool, ignorant and plain me.

I must admit i've come along way from where i was a few years ago. Those roads which i have grazed my hands with crawling them have been so hard to climb. If i had it my way, i'd put on a skit and act my way out of all this like i used to. La la la~~~ Sing a song and dance along , the heavens will shine if you just sing along, the love of your life may she be pretty, such is the fine wine that is making me giddy. HEy! Wooooo! omg, those were the days. Hahahaha, such is the fun and joy i once had . Sadly, all alone in my head, but still, it was a notable one that was necessary for my growth.

I use to wonder sometimes so with so much seriousness about how things are going to turn out. Making pointless assumptions on how my life will be. The truth is, no matter how i plan it, it will never ever be as planned. I have been riding the waves of luck,fate and destiny all rolled into a sushi ball that's digesting in my stomach. Literally =p. Sigh!, I' d hate to miss all the fun watching myself grow up. I think it is the most honourable and moving thing i have watched in my whole life. To see who i was and what i will become. Even though it might not be within my grasp, it is still something worth waiting for. The anticipation kills me. I can't google my DAMN life SPOILER OUT *grumbles* !!!!111!.

No matter how i look upon myself. I can never beat myself down too much. Cos i am me. I know my weaknesses and my strengths. I know me so well that its just a pain to see me beating myself down for past mistakes. *note the author is a scorpio* Thy self esteem can deflate but that's where the joy is. When it inflates =D. Such is my confidence, my all, my spirit, my strength. I 've triumph over so many barriers, big or small, i've gotten so accustomed to trying to outdo myself. I never try to outdo others, because sometimes, the only person that you should beat is the person in you. The one asking you to back down, hold back , lay low, stay calm. Why of all people must you listen to such things coming from your brain you can wonder later. But acting first will do more then just thinking or wishing you've done something about it. *insertNike's most famous tagline ever here*

All this and i still haven't answered my own question. BAKA! =p
I must admit its rather hard to answer it. I want the things now that i would never have thought of earlier. True freedom. Freedom to live as i please, to choose that path i may walk down without looking back with regret. There's nothing to regret about now. Afterall, why regret at all if what you choose is what you wanted in the first place. So here it is-----------------

I choose to live by myself everyday, I want to enjoy the best of this short existence.

I choose to be the best person i can be, I want to walk down this path with just one thought.

I am free to be me...

Not just an expression, but a certainty of mind. Who can walk around proclaiming everyday that he is happy just the way he is all the time. Sure, there can be improvements, as long as i want to i would do. Yet i'm still happy. Happy the sun shines, happy the stars shine, happy that i've made it through all my teenage downfalls and live to tell myself this glorious tale.

here's the killer question, who's with me =D.

*looks around*

AHhahahahahahaha, meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

My trip to northland

2006-06-30T22:25:00.000+08:00

http://i59.photobucket.com/albums/g300/oriangel/treelineentrance.jpg

The entrance to my Aunt's farm. The row of trees that are grown to nicely shape a barrier along the pathway is breathtaking when entering or just looking at it from the side.

http://i59.photobucket.com/albums/g300/oriangel/TranscendingHaloofLight.jpg

The beach , well one of them. There was something about the way the light was and the waves coming in that made me thought of heaven and the halo of light coming down upon the ocean.

http://i59.photobucket.com/albums/g300/oriangel/ribenalakeo.jpg

This is not a lighting effect. The lake really is darkish reddish. Personally i would have called it ribena lake, but others call it coca cola lake. LOL.

http://i59.photobucket.com/albums/g300/oriangel/Orchard1.jpg

My aunt's orchard. Somewhere inbetween those rows of rows, which u can't see, i can just hide eternally for a moment in time.

http://i59.photobucket.com/albums/g300/oriangel/Illusionsofgrandeur.jpg

Like an image ripped straight out of my dreams.

http://i59.photobucket.com/albums/g300/oriangel/Front.jpg

The front of my aunts home. Looks so tranquil. I love how just looking at the picture makes me feel that way.

http://i59.photobucket.com/albums/g300/oriangel/asone.jpg

At one point, the sky was one with the earth. That was a long time ago. Somehow i didn't think i'd see it this way in the photograph.

The meaning of...

2006-06-30T22:02:00.000+08:00

I could sit here and reason with myself the whole day. About why i don't need love or how much the media has messed up my perception of it. The holidays has surely put my life into perspective. What is it that i am looking for. In life, in a relationship, in society, in my family, and most important in my mind and soul. It takes awhile for me to reach a stage where i begin to think of the relevance of all this in contrast with my being here. Afterall, the question that one begins to ask once upon a time when in doubt would be ...

What is the meaning of my existence?

Does it require love, courage, boldness, humility, character and virtue?

All of a sudden, i feel as though i've fallen short of my own expectations in my own definition of the meaning of my existence. Which may sound like something easily rectifiable but in truth it is not. As i sit, i realise the gap in which i continue to talk to myself has grown further and further apart. Why am i not talking to myself anymore remains a question only i can answer. What has taken precedence in my life, my heart, i cannot say for sure. My mind seems to be clouded with all these strange thoughts of me in an alternate reality doing different things. Good, bad, evil, kind, a different dimension of me just being me with an alternate existence to live for. Why are they living like this. Why do they pursue such selfish acts...Am i like them?

Everyday i wake up to a different me in my head. The last thing i need is to sense the blood of a recent killing , or to feel the glow of kindness lit up upon my kind deeds. In some ways i want to be normal. But even that is hard to define. In a society where the norm is what you perceive in the media. What is reality then? Why do i keep making things complicated for myself. IS there a way to calm myself into a surreal and tranquil state of mind where i can enlighten myself of this endless pursuits of money, sex, career, goals, life, and death. Would there be a moment now in my life that i can see what it is truly that i need to set my foot down upon. What am i saying... i'm lost.

I've made things so complicated for myself that i've lost myself in my own deluded world. Ain't that weird. I think i'm gifted. I believe i am. In some ways i can feel that magic i have. In some ways i take it for granted. God can only bring me that calm. In the meantime, i think i can stop using the letter I .

Its hard to see what is real and what is not. What i want and what i Need. What is love and what is not. What is life and how to live it. This question of life . the meaning of existence, i shall forever ask, till my dying days, i can only pray and secretly hope i can get the answer before it is revealed in the last of my days. *if it is revealed at all*

And so it ends.

2006-06-16T07:59:00.000+08:00

The end of semester one in my first year in New Zealand.

All the preparations for my final assignments and the build up of anxiety over this first exam and last exam has come and gone. What is left, the feeling of being free and relaxed seem so surreal. Its even more surreal when you begin to think when my sem is restarting. I'm gonna quote something here from another person, a person who, like me has found how much this virtual life has taken from me in real life. Finally, the consideration of quitting this game or dropping it a notch.

"It was one of the hardest decisions I ever made, but there is no better time to do this. By the time 1.12 rogue patch, cross server BG and expansion pack come around, I probably would be tied up for another year easily, and time is something I must spend elsewhere at this stage of my life. I have thinked long and hard about going casual, only show up for raids, play 2-3 days a week, so on and so forth. But the truth is I am an extremist and I won't be satisfied with anything less than being the very best. It is all or nothing for me, I simply refuse to slowly fade into mediocrity and I rather retire at the peak of my character's relative strength and popularity. Four short years ago I worked as a day trader for one of the bigger proprietary trading firms on Wall Street. Led a team of 12 traders and at the peak of my game. I had a lot of confidence and ambition. I was a very successful college drop out, I was sharp, I was arrogant, more importantly I was fearless.

Then a devastating chain of events hit me during the span of one week, I lost 25% of an entire year's profit in 15 minutes. The company I worked for three years went on New York Times for all the wrong reasons and went under. To this day, I don't know why I didn't join another company to continue my career as a trader. In fact, I interviewed for another trading shop and got a position very easily with my track record, only to quit three days into the job. What was that feeling in my heart? Fear and doubt. That is what was in my heart. I no longer believed in myself. What went on was a very painful year of rebuilding that went nowhere. A couple of financial sales jobs that exposed my weakness as a salesman. Two unpaid internships that made me feel absolutely worthless among a crowd of ivy league graduates. A very painful run at a college degree from a no-name school that is much worse than the one I quit six years ago.

I wasn't thinking suicide, for I always believed that death, like life, must be meaningful. Life is a journey that is meant to be experienced in full. Taking a bullet in the chest for the girl I love is honorable, slashing my wrist because I failed in career is both cowardly and wasteful. Yet I was very frustrated and very lost. I wondered if I could be good at something. For the first time in my life, I was drown in a sea of fear and doubts, a nightmare I could not wake up from. All I could see was darkness. Then WOW happened. I remember a certain financial analyst said "In America, people don't need virtual accomplishments to feel good about themselves" and was very skeptical about WOW's early success. Quite honestly, I don't know what he was smoking.

A MMORPG is an incredible escape from reality, from the pain and defeat you endured in real life. It certainly kept me sane over the past 18 months. It created a virtual world that I could dwell in when the real world is raining hard. In fact, I thank Blizzard and the WOW community for fulfilling one of my dreams since childhood, that is becoming a celebrity, even if it is in a mere virtual world, it means a lot to someone who lost all of his hope to be something special. Barring a miracle, even if I go on to live a very successful life, I somehow doubt I can ever again produce videos that would get hundreds of thousands of downloads worldwide, or articles that would be translated in many different languages. It is an incredible honor and it soothed my mind and healed my wounds. I firmly believe if I spend 4000 hours next 18 months in something, I would see significant results. That is something I didn't believe 18 months ago. WOW is a mirror of real life. I learned much about myself and life in general from playing WOW.

I have always been a strong individual performer, yet lack the leadership to run a team. People around me generally have an either/or opinion about me. Either they love me or they hate me because my own personality is very polarized and I am very straight forward about my opinions. Is it possible to fix those problems in RL now I have experienced the same weaknesses in-game? Hopefully yes. I named my character after the first girl I truly loved. And she is the only character in my account. Last a few weeks the RL Ming started a business venture and been seeking my assistance, I blew her off because I am afraid to face her when I have become a mere shadow of my old self. It comes a time when you must stop hiding from challenges and confront reality. When you are hurt, it is ok to lie down for a while, but you can't lie down forever or you will never be able to get up again. I promised her long ago that I would be helpful and supportive in everything she does. And it is time for me to fulfill that promise. For me to fight for the Ming of RL, the WOW Ming must be retired. I would also like to at least try to achieve a fraction of what I achieved in WOW in RL.

I am only level 26 in RL, while the post-60 content is quite lackluster, I still have 33.5 levels to get myself some phat loot. I will not return to WOW as a player. My dream is to someday work for a company like Blizzard as a developer. For that to happen, I have a lot of leveling/gearing up to do. My main used to be computer science but I rerolled finance when the market was hot in 1999. Perhaps it is not too late to return to my roots. "

By ming.

In the near future, i may see myself like this guy here. His ambitions and
attitude closely resemble mine. So does his view of life.I now consider my options for life very carefully now. I am no longer young, nor inmature. All the excuses i could use have passed their validation period. So to speak.

The simple silence of the night

2006-06-06T20:38:00.000+08:00

Well i've been in New Zealand for nearly 4 to 5 months now.
If there's one thing i've learned to like and love about this place, it would be....

" The simple silence of the night"

How silent the night can be. Devoid of sound and life. Yet under all this peace and tranquility there are days where there are no stars in the sky. Which makes me miss the very sky i used to stare every night i go out.

Most of my assignments due dates have come and gone. The final few are near completion. My one single exam is on the 15th. I should be free for 2 weeks past that day i suppose.

I miss having someone to go after or look out for. Being alone has only strengthen the best of me. It has also shown me how god dam bloody lazy i can be as well. Which is very bad IMO.

Then again, i'm approving day by day. Setting things up so that everything revolves around assignments, life and time management. Less fun i presume. But more precise on responsibilities and duties.

I have a feeling i might screw up the first semester. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that i make it. I didn't come here to fail. But i didn't come here expecting it to be this hard either. I guess i've paid the price for comprimising fun for work. Or vice versa.

on a side note, i met a very cheerful happy go lucky and sporty girl today.
like most interesting girls i've come to know, they're taken. Such is life.

To a dear friend

2006-06-01T21:29:00.000+08:00

To the only other person that read's this blog, hahaha, you know who you are.

Here's some websites to relief your boredom.

Some are work safe and others are not. Then again, I'll list them nicely.

Some may require quicktime or other visual viewing sub software installed. But what the heck.

Safe:-

http://www.geocities.jp/b_ba_a0530/cheval_noir_files/top00.html ( check the gallery )

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-3868751167005642764 ( check the rest of the videos in the top 100 or other categories. That should keep you busy. The loading time's a bitch though so plan ahead and load a few at a go. BTW, for safety reasons, keep the volume MUTED till the streaming is complete.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IF6BuKrQUj0&search=Mencia i find his humor funny. Also check out the other videos and stuff. Its pretty hilarious. You tube also have some of the VIRAL ads from advertisers. Also try searching for 42 below stuff. Not to sure if that's your type of sense of humour. Apologies if its not.

i usually watch this videos or view that guys art. It just cracks me up or inspires me or just plain old entertaining. Plus, 0 ads. AHAHAHHAHAHAH.... sigh.. .i need to soooo get laid.

*joking*

nvm. forget that.

The beginning is the end is the beginning?

2006-06-01T21:22:00.000+08:00

The beginning,

Of the holidays, a break from stress,
to sort out life and all the mess,
Away from all the stressful tests,
Time to rat out those nasty pests,

The end,

Of the sordid sorry affair,
with studs and the mare,
of dog sex and horse threesomes,
and low grades with lousy reasons,

The beginning,

Of a new life with new friends,
up the north islands to the sands,
watching winter come with the wind,
running from it with the rest of my kin.

I got the Rhythm

2006-05-22T22:27:00.000+08:00

Yes indeed. Amen

I've finally got my groove on in time to get my act together and work towards what i want to become. A successful copywriter.

I want to be more then just that i hope. There are doubts and things that tend to sidetrack my progress. Which could mean i need strong distractions at the side to pull me through.

The weather isn't helping much. Cold and windy. I try to think of being warm, but that only makes me miss home and the family. I couldn't be more wrong to say i wouldn't miss them that bad. I eat my words back.

The good news is that things are finally looking good for me. I've gotten a new good friend who i can trust in trade for one who is slightly insensitive if not level headed. Then again, who am i to judge someone when i myself is far from perfection. I guess i'm being choosy again. I suppose its better this way. The next semester will see myself struggling more. I'm thinking of working, night shift sounds good since i can then raid in the afternoons as required.

With the money, its possible to accomplish 2 things. To get what i want, or to extend on what i need weekly. Already the cost of me living here has amounted to the thousands. For someone who regards myself as expendable, i certainly feel expensive. Not to mention lonely.

Insecurity rubbing shoulders with me constantly. Late night confessions to the good man above and the release of it all in the warmth of tears helps.Irony it seems as i am writing this and listening to incubus - Sick Sad Little World. It sure seems that way for me. I wonder for how long. I love the fact that i am stronger. I know it. Its good to not be saying things for the sake of it but to know it.

Btw, i got ribena here. That helps =D. My own room seems good. Plus the music, freedom and above all the ability to do anything and go explore if only i want to. hahaha. I do do do do so much miss the times where i would tell myself i am free.

The truth is, i'm stuck in my sick sad little world....

Food Glorious Food~~

2006-04-27T23:41:00.000+08:00

My cooking isn't exactly the best thing in the world. But it sure does fill me up and i'd be damn it actually taste good. Which makes me wonder if this is how i should be treating myself eh =)

For starters, there's the good old RICE. Yup, I've been eating rice since god knows when, but cooking it right took a whole 1 week. Yup, experimenting with microwave rice cookers and conventional steam cookers paid off.

Nex up is Eggs and Tomatoes. Well i'd be damn, i hated tomatoes for some reason cos they just never go along with anything. But i had some cos my roommate wanted to share meals and i ended up dishing it with fried eggs. It tasted good and the rest was history.

Then we have the individual meat of the day. On the picture that's lamb slightly fried up with nothing but oil and a bit of soya sauce. I wouldn't say its the best but it certainly is better then eating chicken everyday if ya know what i mean. Haha, overall i like cooking lamb. Its the only thing here that's cheap and affordable.

Finally, my Speciality. Rojak vege's combo no.3

Hell i can't even begin to explain how i cooked this. First i got this inspiration from SS2's chow kuay teow seller to mix eggs with taugeh. Then i started for no apparent reason to add Brocolli which i figured wasn't such a bad idea till it really wasn't much. SO i added Mushrooms . WHite mushrooms to be exact. Stir frying this dish took awhile, till i got bored and added mini corn to it as well. I guess there's no such thing as too many cooks spoil the broth, i'm the only cook anyways. I then began to dice a potato and then threw that one in with diced cuttle fish balls. Mix that up with a little spicy thai chili sauce as added gravy and the next thing u know . Ima Chef meister =D.

All this food and stuff u see here. To be honest, they tasted great. To me, that's a hell of a achievement from not knowing how to cook. I have 1 day to experiment with food. Guinea Pig Monday i call it. Go figure, i'm the guinea pig, and so far, nothing bad's come of it.

Till next crazy dish combos. Btw, total cost of the entire meal above which is for 2 people = Less then 10 bucks. New Zealand dollars of course =)

Raining cold at 3 am in my dim litted room with my head in the pillow and my eyes counting zero's wishing i was some hero.

2006-04-25T00:06:00.000+08:00

The troubles in my heart

Its raining cold outside,
all alone 3 past midnight,
in the empty streets i see,
the trouble brewing within me,

I am my own virus and cure,
Yet i don't know myself for sure,
I cry at night in my heart,
as i watch myself die from the start,

Apart of me wants to live,
Yet i have nothing left to give,
the joys in my life gone cold,
that was what i was told,

the darken sky makes no company,
no emotions left inside of me,
i can dodge a thousand bullets in my head,
yet this is only happening while i'm in bed,

i am the gun, the trigger, the end,
the corridor of light shows no end,
do i want to walk pass the mirror,
and see myself pulling the trigger,

i am blessed but i feel cursed,
the soul within me crisped and burned,
from within my heart i seek redemption,
yet i know not the road and its direction,

the little bit of sanity brings me around,
to express myself but without any sound,
in the words i love and trust and read,
i sow my sorrow in the words i can read,

the lies i tell myself will stop,
the words i write will not,
till the day my spirit passes by,
the words of my heart will touch the sky.

Why do i stress myself?

2006-04-24T20:39:00.000+08:00

That's a good question seeing that it equally deserves a good answer.

Other questions that equally also deserve a good answer are the following:

What are you doing with your life?

What are you not doing anything about your problems?

What is the matter with you?

I'm gonna come out with some answers . But in the meantime. Ponder over it, cos i got no time to lose.

Advice from Mun Fye

2006-04-01T22:31:00.000+08:00

get a life worth living which u're comfortable with
fuck the rest as they do not matter
u see an obstacle, pwn it
once thats done, pat urself at the back and express the words ur forefathers created when they're achieved success...
GG

Oh why not.

2006-03-31T20:01:00.000+08:00

I haven't written a poem in awhile. Going to try again..

The rule

I love you and i truly do,

Yet it seems i do not know you,
The game of love has no rules,
Only musing for lonely mules,

I love you with all my heart,
Yet is seems i am the retard,
The game of love makes no sense,
Its not just a game to drop your pants,

I love you in that dress,
My life would still be a mess,
The game of love has no style,
Only hearts that slowly turn mild,

I love you in my own way,
Yet i can live without you everyday,
The game of love is not a game,
By now love seems very lame.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The actual message, regardless of how lame i wrote it.

I do not know you,
I might be retarded,
My life is a mess,
I'm better off alone.

In retrospect to the faith i still had left for a shot at love, i have none now. Leave it be i say, there is no need for such hurt and pain and suffering which i have cursed myself from this false hope. What i can see is only musing of fools, only a need for self torture without suicide, perhaps an exit from the realities of a to realistic life. In my head, there is no room for something like this.

There is only 1 star in the sky,

Tonight my heart will say good bye,

I vow to be true to myself,

"to be inserted in teh future"

The long and windy road of March and Autumn

2006-03-31T19:32:00.000+08:00

I have truly been busy.

I wouldn't say that i am completely busy but not completely free either. My life has been challenging this year, from 1 leap to another and now to learn how to fly. Every element that i have taken for granted has nearly been stripped away from me. What i have left is my brain and my guts and my stomach. Yes, it is that bad. From Assignments, to daily chores, to cooking, to laundry, to keeping my room cleaned, to guild participation and finally, to myself.

I haven't really stop to look at how far i've travelled from dependency to independcy. Nor have i notice that i can now cook, enjoy it, and treasure the fact that i can do something without thinking so much about other things. For once, i have no reason to say that i am lonely or in a desperate situation to commune with something, someone, or god. It could well be that i've spent so much time trying to get through daily routines that i have no time to ask myself these questions and even less time to think about it. Somehow, the depressing me has taken a vacation and i'm left with this confident individually fighting a war to win over insecurity and doubt. I can't say i'm winning, nor am i losing either. If i could call for support i'd probably would, but that would be typical of me wouldn't it.

I do think about home now and then. What my brother could be doing now? to How is my sister doing in school? Is my grandma doing well and finally, i hope my mom could send me that some recipes soon. I love the fact that i am free and independant. I miss the fact that i had to go so far away from learning these things. I guess a part of me truly believe that i could survive here. So i did. I still am.

Water. Yes, Water is such a pricy commodity here. Water can be drunk from the taps without boiling them. I must say that is a bit unbelievable at first, seeing how back in Malaysia that is ridiculous and suicidal. It cos 2NZ dollars for a 450ml bottle of water. Which is equivalent to about 4 rm for that normal rm 1 bottle we buy at shops. Sigh, i miss cheap water =).

The wonderful part about knowing people is what they will share with you. From introductions to other friends to software that can be shared, i could not be happier now then i was waiting for downloads back home. The Apartment network does wonders with dc+ hub network. A sort of sharing program that links the joining computers with the program with a near LAN speed connection for downloads and file transfers and sharing. It is also a nice place to commune with those online and to chat about life and the likes of happenings today. I guess i can say good bye to warez.

Lately, i've added some of my Oasis music collection, found back my old limp bizkit mp3s from a friend and even added back some classic Nirvana into my playlist. If that's not enough, dvd quality movies can be obtained just with a click on dc+. Which makes thing so convenient for me.

ah life........... i'm definately going to miss student life. The things we have to worry about compared to work seems slightly less. More breathing space before i actually dip my head in to the mud and start to see things teh way everyone seems to see it when you're suppose to get a job. I do miss my youth. All the fun i had, and none to regret.

In my head, ori lives forever,

In the corner with my guns,

Above the mountains with my wand,

My perfect freedom,

Within an imaginary world.

There's not much to say about love. I'm beginning to breathe less and less, i'm beginning to see the light slip by the slits of my eyes, That part of hope that has kept me alive to find someone to live with happily ever after has gone by. I have a new hope now, my new goal, may not be as important or celebrated, yet still above the stars. To be better then me. The only person i cannot stand more then anyone else, me. To see to it that i will do my best to conquere my fears,, doubts,,and everything else that stands in my way from perfecting a little part of me that has eluded my brain. An independant me.

Its a far fetched dream for a dependant boy like me. But i am neither handsome, nor blessed with the wit of tongues and charms. I do not wish to set myself a fall so bad that it has left me paralysed and mentally unstable for 5 years. A fall i wish to avoid once more.

Autumn is here, March has Ended. The road breaks of to 2 ways. April is calling my name, as i wonder which road to follow.

And so it Begins.

2006-02-19T13:18:00.000+08:00

2 weeks have nearly passes since I last arrived at Auckland.

There isn't much time for me to be writing anymore. Most of the time, i'm busy thinking what to do for dinner, or out socialising or even worse, buying dinner.

My life seems slightly less routine now, but i can't say for sure when class starts tomorrow. Somehow the enthusiasm has seem to run dry over the past few days. But i'm pretty sure things will work out fine.

I hope i can find some peace of mind while i search deep within myself, for an answer to why i am the way i am. What i value most, and why.

So far...

2006-02-10T20:21:00.000+08:00

Its my 5th day or 6th day in Auckland

I don't intend to make this a daily journal. Most of my blogs are written without using the internet first so i can proof read my stuff as i am reading through it again before my final post. With the exception of this one right here which you are reading.

Apparently a miscommunication took place in the Student Apartment complex which meant i was force to change places from 13th floor ( bye bye beautiful view) to 7th floor.

The packing was frustrating. I was also getting tired. I am tired now actually seeing that i just unloaded most of my stuff into the closet and all. But i needed some place to vent abit of my frustrations and anger. Nothing beats writing it out in a piece of blog and then just posting it up to the internet to relief such stupid stressful moments for no apparent good reason. haha

Enough said though ^^

I've met alot of nice people, socialising seems key and is key. Lately i've been doing some thinking that has led me to believe that it maybe better for me to concentrate on my social life abit more then my gaming life. This may sound suicidal to me back then, but i figured this is a new place, with open people, new people, and people who are just as much trying to absorb the culture into their very own. For someone like me, being from the gaming world doesn't mean i am an alien. I can be sarcastic and witty and very talkative and loud mouthed. Probably friendly to seeing that i'm that big old humble giant.

Well my eyes are closing on me. I won't say much except that i'm really worn out now. Bye bye

The land of the mountains and oceans

2006-02-10T20:16:00.000+08:00

The flight to New Zealand, Auckland was pretty weird, first there was just a never ending ocean beneath me that seem to expand for miles on end. I can't really even tell if i was near New Zealand or still an hour away until the pilot's announcement 2 minutes later marking the approach to New Zealand Airport at Auckland is within 10 mins. All of a sudden, the vast ocean was broken by cliffs and ridges as land finally came into view. As much as a pile of islands New Zealand was, it wasn't just completely segmented. Bridges and highways came to my view as i saw what seems like clusters of houses literally littered amongst mountains and hills with the roads spreading inbetween.

The weather here was definately cooler then Sydney even though both are amidst the end of their summer season. I'm now within the good care of the Siow's who is my aunt's brother in Sydney. Although i'll only be here for a day,I'm not feeling any bit of dependancy at all. Its comforting to know that i might for the very first time have my very own room and be free of the concerns of my mom on a daily basis. Yet the goals are set, and i'm here to prove a point. I can do it on my own, and i'll be fine.

This is a 1 year marathon like test, so i'm not gonna start of quick only to run out of steam at the end. Already the lifestyle here is predicatable, shops clearing early, strict non bribeble cops and an estrange mix of people should mean i should becareful who i mix with. Yet even that might not be enough. I maybe careful, but my trusty radar tends to falter when people take the first step first as always.The good news is if tomorrow's place has a reliable internet that doesn't cost too much and some decent room space, i might actual like it here. Of course, most of my entertainment and relaxation relies on my laptop, hence it will be my new life and priority right now. Not that i'm a super anti social guy or what, but its hard to be sociable when you just got here you catch me savvy? =p.

Its been 8 days since i left Malaysia.

I hate to be counting the days especially when i'm not even settle with my stuff here. But i guess from the top of my head i can recall just about that because it will be something i need to keep track of. Hopefully things don't get that bad enough for me to want to go home so badly.
Did some audio recording before i came to NZ. Just using the simple windows voice recorder and my mic and kazaam you get yourself a very personal wav file that can be send and played by just about any computer. I plan to experiment with it by sending it to a few people. Its just a 60 second msg on voice so often I must be brief but precise about what i want to say. There's always rerecording and separate attachments to solve longer messages anyway. Each full 60 second recording takes about 2000k or 2mb or space. So its pretty small and effective. Sorta like a 60 sec radio ad but more personal. That also reminds me, i could create my own radio commercials with this thing. Just that the mixing and matching of sounds and all that maybe a bit advance for me at the moment. But when there's a will there's a way.

They weren't kidding when they said that the skies were blue here all the time.

First Impressions

2006-02-02T06:38:00.000+08:00

The events that have unfolded as i was stuck in a plane for a certain amount of time.

The trip to Australia was about 7 and a half hours. Being stuck in an economy class 3 seating on a window sit has its pros and cons. For starters the 2 people that were soon to be sitted next to me were an elder italian couple. They thought me a very valuable lesson in communication, if there's a willthere's a way ;) Despite being total strangers and both unable to communicate with our own language, their's was italian DOH!, i speaked english >.< somehow we manage to use signs and or simple gestures to bring about information of each other. Becos of that i was able to find out they were italian, they had no connection to the mafia ^^, they were going to Kent or Kant, which is somewhere in australia as well, and that this was one of their retirementtrips. I was able to tell them that i was from malaysia, showed em the map =p {sadly once again, they thought malaysia was a state of Thailand}, But after awhile i manage to show them that my "state" has a FLAG~~~~~ so its a country ^^. Also i manage to tell them i'm going to auckland to study, and thati reminded them of one of their grandsons, who i honestly was freaked out, looked very very much like an italiano version of me. Freaky!!

Well, food was cool though, they had 2 choices for dinner, one was malaysian fish curry >.< the other pasta, haha, You pretty much can guessed what i took,And incase you were wondering, i went for pasta, they went for curry ^^ peace!!.

Well the bad part of this 7 hour trip was that i was cramped up in my seat for probably that long. I had a laptop bag inbetween my legs that sorta limited my leg movement. My chair was faulty and i couldn't adjust it to recline like everyone elses >.< Also, since it was night, i couldn't see much in the dark through the reflective window of the airplane. What was cool was that this was my first international solo flight on a 747 and it had new features such as tv and some entertainment which was cool. I wanted to write this all on the plane but i was afraid the battery would die, plus the minor room i had didn't encourage me to even want to take out my laptop.

The tv infront of my seat had, 1: movies 2: Documentaries 3: news 4:Flightplan
5: Radio- multiple stations 6:games

All these were prerecorded into the plane's entertainment system and thus were neither live and would repeat itself over time as the flight progresses. The movies such as Corpse Bride, Exorcism of Emily Rose, and 2 others didn't really hold my interest sadly, and the fact that the moron that was infront of me had a disorder for constantly shifting his chair lower and lower and lower till a point i had to wake him up to shift it back up, which he did, but only a couple of inches higher, still too low for me >.< Anyways, i didn't even realise he was that low till i lift up the eye blinds ( think black eye covers)and saw that i was nearly getting squashed.

In the first 2 hours i finished listening to one of the prerecorded radio stations. They had a special on robbie williams that was fantastic since they literally sampled his whole album within that time plus other hit songs rather uncommon then hitz.fm ^^. The irony here was that i later tuned in to this station and literally got bored of it on my 3 or 4th hour. Also that had Limp Bizkit singing one of their latest combo song thingy , Motley Crue's Coming home plus Bittersweet symphony mixed together. Not a nice song to listen too went you're going further and further away from home T.T ( for you info , 6955 Miles away from home >.< )

I played some computer chest thing on the games menu, i figure the AI was a wuss but still he thrashed me 3 to 1 >.< ( note to self, the king can pwn). Other things that i enjoyed doing was narrating what other people were doing. In my head i would tell myself what i thought they were thinking, or if i see a particular conversation i would try to read their lips ( at this point i even thought i saw a ufo, but that's just me =p) so was the drudgery of not being able to recline my sit and having to see everyone else get a good nap. Anyways. Things started going bad when i realised i had to go to the toilet to take a leak. Apparently the wine i drank with the italian couple, 2 evian mineral bottles, and 1 can of ice cream soda had taken its toll on my bladder on the 4th hour. This was bad, real bad, Why you say? well becos everyone around me is sleeping. Literally, i couldn't move out becos i was at the window seat, and Mr.Recliner of Doom has suddenly decide to pin me on my seat. Thinking that i could hold it, i began to orchestrate a plan to keep myself pre-occupied >.<

It wasn't easy, but i did it anyways, i lasted till the cabin lights start coming on signalling the start of breakfast shortly. By then ,the elderly couple was up and Mr.Recliner of Doom decided he was being an asshole and lifted up his side of the chair 90 Degrees. Seeing the oppurtunity arise, i quickly gestured to the Elderly couple that i had to step out, and happily they stepped out with me cos they so happenned to have a need to stretch and walk the rows. As my sitting was near the back of the 747, i figured it be best to take the back toilet. Only to find that it was "both occupied" Apparently,"cough cough Mile high club cough cough" was probably recruiting new members, and i guess i didn't qualify =p. Anyways off to the middle section of the toilet pass the rows of sleepy passengers and into "relief zone" . At this point of time i would like to thank god for letting me have this cubicle unoccupied.Anyways, when i was in there, i realised that the toilet was god awfully small. As i was unloading , pictures of a guy and a girl in this place seem very uncomfortable, but nonetheless rather kinky.

By the time i was back in my seat, we've already passed the ocean and was already in Australian Territory, by that i mean you could see some light on the ground, compared to seeing a ship or 2 now and then . Breakfast wasn't that special, a croissant, tea, fruits, and more wine. By then the whole window seat thing was worth it. As i was staring into the window, a dim change of colour in the horizon signalled that dawn was coming soon. Flying 28k feet above the air and watching the sunrise is just one of those things i can never forget. As we got closer to Sydney , so did the sun on the horizon, The dark blueish horizon started to change to a orangy pink colour as a little more colour was added to the other clouds. The result was a highlight on the other clouds making them clearly visible to the rest of my eye, and then i was in heaven.

A sea of clouds was bestowed upon my vision with the coming of the sun.
Its endlessness equalled the depths of the ocean i just passed hours ago.
As time catches up, the sun rised and illuminated what was to be a secret,

The land of the clouds
This new found cloud land was like the artic,
it was bright and white, and extended into more whiteness.
There were several large lakes of slightly dampen clouds that seem to amplify the feeling that i just reached the artic.
And then the golden ball of fire and light rised from its depths and seared all that was near it.

I tried taking pictures of it, but my screen had a bad reflection and i keep getting myself in the picture instead. But of the times i manage to get a clearshot i just might upload what i can.
By now, i was only 1 hour away from Sydney. We sorta flew 1 small circle before going for landing, which gave me a beautiful view of the Tasman Ocean andthe rocky cliffs of East or West Sydney plus the crashing waves that graced its edges.

Throughout the journey i finished reading one of the latest Sidney Sheldon books, its a good read. =)

More to come on another day i guess. Till then.

I'm Missing You

2006-02-02T06:30:00.000+08:00

I wrote this poem after thinking of someone.

I'm missing you

Somewhere inside the caverns of time,
Within the depths of my shadowy mind,
I think of you and wonder why,
The thought of you could make me cry,

Despite all that i've been through,
Going after someone like you,
My soul is at ease,
My mind at peace,

I can't explain what brings this calm,
Nor why i can't finish reading psalm,
Yet i love you so,
and i let you go,

What courage and belief enforces this,
is still a mystery with a funny twist,
But as i look behind my shoulder,
I've never gotten any colder,

I guess the feeling of truly feeling connected,
Has left me thinking of love being subjected,
to sceptism and belief,
to respect and relief,

But the days i spend with you together,
will linger on in my dreams forever,
As a reminder that love,
Must be free like a dove.

*Note, I personally love this poem. I felt its been awhile since i've written anything so meaningful and deep on my opinions of love and my recovery from this "sickness".

Changi Airport

2006-02-02T06:24:00.000+08:00

I've written a few of these on my laptop. I haven't really had the time to post them due to the rush of Chinese New Year.

Arrival and Departure

NO doubt that international crossings from one country to the other can be tricky but i guess i for one feel slightly at loss for words when it comes to directions and things like going in and out counters just to getmy one boarding pass to sydney.

I have no idea how long the battery can really last in this laptop so i intend to make this quick and fast. As much as i'm in foreign territory, this place sure is very much charted . LOL. From start to exit all signs point to a path, which one seems ridiculously hard to decide.
ONe thing 's for sure, singaporean people are very very civilised. Its admirable to see that people here follow instructions and obey simple civil laws compared to Malaysia. Frankly i must admit i'm abit embarrassed of my own people right now =p. But hey , we're all unique citizens of our own country, and although certain things might differfrom what i know in my own country, i guess you could call it an equal difference in culture. Can't wait to go to sydney. Can't wait to see what else my little trip has to offer.

Gone with the good byes

So all that i've needed to say has been said. Good bye's , thank you's and the admirable easy saying i'll see you later "or next year more like" have been repeated time and time before i left. I guess the sequence of saying these things are just to calm my mind and reassure myself that i can get through this without the slightest bit of hesitation and fear. Before my mind trails to worry about what i would do when i get back, I hope that a certain humility and calmness will remain with me throughtout the year. I can't say the much for my friends back home, buti can tell myself that as long as i stay true to the things i believe to be, i'd do fine wherever i go. After all, life is about living, and i'm about keeping what's real , real.

Before I leave

2006-02-02T06:22:00.000+08:00

As I am typing this, the world that i once knew will now float along with whatever i had once left behind. My past.

This new beginning, this uncharted territory with a mix of culture , strangers yet to be friends and challenges waydifferent then anything i have ever face will now surface like a quake before a tidal wave. The uncertainties andmix feelings that have clouded and blurred my judgement now seem so distant and surreal. No longer am i amidstfamiliarity, some how that seems to please me.

Whatever that is new that is coming my way, i would find out a step at a time. But what worries me most is what imight forget during this journey that i need to hold on to and not just forget. Many things come in my head ,heritage? history? friends? reason? goals? but whatever it is, my mind is set to keep the best of me and fight theworst of me. I've done things that i shouldn't do, i've been free all my life yet trapped in a rat maze that is ever growing. Somehow, these things don't matter to me anymore right now. All that matters is survival, that i canprove to myself that i am more then what i think i am, i will challenge myself, i will be the hardest boss i everwill face and by god i hope that it wouldn't be so so harsh =p

Being optimistic has always put me in a wavery goody goody mood that has yet to fail me. I've done all my best actswith self motivation and extreme confidence. Acts of bravery, of sacrifice and of friendship, which i value the mostnow seems plain. I guess there's alot more to life then just a simple plan to living by god =pSpeaking of which, i haven't prayed to him again.... lol... damn .. i can sense my guardian angel chuckling as i write this down on the notepad. But i guess he knows deep down that i'm ready, and he's gonna bring it!

"Thank you"

To all of you who have made my life so much more meaningful, i'm off to a fresh new start. I don't care if the airsmells funny or if the sun shines green, what i do care is that i've made the best of what i have in life to knowthat there's more then just giving up in the things that one is passionate in. I love to write, i love to entertaini love to have the feeling of bringing enlightment and joy into others and i love to pass a message with the utmosttransparency and honesty . I guess i love advertising good or bad. Or not i wouldn't be on this flight right now.

To the people that have change my life, Edward, Tj, Ezra, Alex, Raj, Ivan, Jenny, Jeff, Korgi,Kc ,vi,fye and my momhaha.. this has been an awesome life. Btw, although this might sound like my will, its not. But if something does happen, this might look good =p . Major influencers , big time <3 and love to all. At the end of it, none can be more motivating then my brother, who has made me envious that he can be so easy going yet thoughtful about things.I guess i need to be like him one day, if not better . Yet still be me =)

The long walk down to 2006 street

2006-01-06T09:45:00.000+08:00

Wow. Before i know it, 2006 has come. I really didn't expect time to really fly but alot has been happening and I just couldn't spare the time to tell myself to sit down and write it all down. Which is a good thing seeing that i blog often to release some sort of tension or stress or in weird circumstances for fun ^^.

December was really peaceful. The weeks before Christmas was spent helping out friends and doing some light Christmas shopping. The day after Christmas was awesome as I attended another IAA 52 Gathering , dam i'm gonna miss those. As for New Year, awesome, the way i wanted it and if possible wouldn't have it any other way. Being sick 3 days before New Year didn't leave me with much options.

I couldn't drink becos of my heavy dosage of medicines. Quote the doctor , " It will be dangerous for your health to drink alcohol and or any mixed alcohol drinks with the medicine i have specified you with, please keep that in mind if you do intend to celebrate your New Year "

LOL. There alone is a major roadblock to partying. Ah well, I figured what the heck, why drink and be merry when u can yum cha and be merry as well. Its pretty good really, i guess i'll just join someone who can't celebrate New Year as well and be merry with that person. And since i'm sick i may as well just do that and come home early. =)

Well that was the plan anyways, just that it didn't turn out as perfect seeing how a when a person is sick, he tends to be weak and dizzy. The fever was rising, my nose was sore and running, the pain on my throat was signalling hell and the only thing in my mind was to make it to Jason's workplace to celebrate the New Year with that poor soul. Working on New Year could be such a pain, but hey, he's got me at least and hopefully that should make his day. If only i wasn't that sick i guess things would have turned out better. The streets of SS15 were literally empty when i was dropped off by my uncle. I can't tell if the people were hiding or didn't exist cos the streets and cafe's littered about were practically empty, if not closed. So i head down to Autosurf. The atmosphere was silent, eerily cold and dark. I could have sweared i was dumped in a ghost town, but for those who don't know, SS15 is never EMPTY.

So went in, was welcomed by Jason and spend the next 2 hours chatting about good times till the clock struck 12. We were complaining how weird it was not to join the people in ritual viewing of fireworks this year when suddenly, at 12 am, FIREWORKS were launched nearby SS15. Talk about a twist of fate.

As the hours pass by in 2006, SS15 regain its lustre as the young crowd of people slowly drove back and repopulated the mamaks, cafe's and the carparks =p. The empty atmostphere was once again replaced with the noise and chatter of DOTA, New year, cars honking, people being merry.

heh, talk about a way to fill me in=), well i try and try to tell stories that are interesting in my life. But sometimes, the most interesting ones are the ones i seldom talk about. Seeing that they are my stories =)

Direction

2005-11-25T13:34:00.000+08:00

"Like penguins lost at sea, I waddle in the water hoping to find a cup of tea."

It brings as no surprise that my sense of direction has gone ascrew. Well u can't blame me to be exact seeing that I have a tendency to get myself lost in thoughts and memories especially come December.

With no heading and no sense of direction or goals. It seems tougher trying to make it day by day to Dec 31st. Of course I could come up with some sensible ones as always given the time, but this year marks the last year I'll be in Malaysia before i move on to "foreign land" . With this in mind it tends to get harder on me as I have to go to meticulous amounts of preparation, all in good faith and good will of course.

Still, its a sincerely big step for me personally. The literal sayings of being fed to the sharks or being thrown in the jungle just seem to linger and personify this already insane act of independance. But.. I'm 21, heh, I got something to prove, and I better damn well get my act together before its too late. But i can just as easily be sleeping with the fishes if i'm not to careful. Being alone if fine, Being alone in a foreign country with no comfort of history, familiarity and the likes is no joke. Somehow I feel that it will be ok.

Funny how i'd feel that way, but if he's watching me from up there, i guess everything's pretty much ok. I hope i get to see the stars there as well. Shouldn't be much of a difference but they do give me hope. One that seems hard to come by day by day.

Here's to hope and the coming of December 31st.

On random Poetry and Thoughts

2005-11-16T15:00:00.000+08:00

One day of unrivalled boredom has spurred me to just unleash my mind's contents without the lay and feel of boundries and restrictions. I figured it was the one of the healthiest things i've done for my mind in sometime now, and I am rewarded with some sensible words that show how my mind is transcending from something to nothing to maybe something ;)

Ah life's like that when its up and down =p

The poems below are 1 paragraph liners, not connected just random.

In a room full of unseen beings,
The one's that watch me as i sleep,
Away i drift from reality's grip,
Slowly addressing them as another creep.

My mind dwindles with pictures of different places,
A colourful vivid dream of space and stars,
In my own time my destiny draws closer,
As I feel the chilvary in my heart get colder.

1 thousand words run through my mouth,
As I picture a thousand words in my hand,
A thousand reasons for me to think,
About life and its meaning in a blink.

You could ask a man a thousand things,
Bt you may never undstand a single thing,
The questions itself are irrelevant to your thoughts,
When the soul knows not what it sought.

I try to make reason out of treason,
For which i see no meaning without sacrifice,
That's when i realise that life without meaning,
Is like having a soul with no true being.

A rush of blood to my head explodes with colours,
For what reason one must truly wonder,
I try to think of another explanation,
For this seismic brain wave of emotion.

The future holds so many uncertainties,
I fear me now more then fear itself,
The fear of failure and self dissappointment,
Corrupted with self pity and eternal misery.

I wish i had a camera with me,
I could take with me a thousand pictures,
In time pictures in my head will fade,
But never the pictures in paper instead.

The crossroad of my life looks dim on all ends,
Must be a storm coming from the ocean's end,
Its awfully cold and lonely over here in the middle,
Maybe I should crawel up here and just cry alittle.

With no reason to worry me from within,
In time see a picture of you and him,
A feeling long pass me by comes back to haunt me,
from time and time and place to place for me.

If wisdom had a mind of its own,
Would it be more merry to share its thoughts,
or would it hide what wealth its knowledge brings,
for the wounded soul that one still clings.

Music and melody make life less a misery,
For drowning in the sound of music so it seems,
Is more or less an indulgence of life,
One that has seen less joy and more strife.

The moon is always round and bright on a stormy night,
The sun is always shining and grinning on a cloudy sky,
The love I know is sweet and bitter like my beer,
My life itself is like a shuffled deck of Tarrots to peer.

I keep adjusting this spectacles of mine,
I do it all the time from time to time,
I'm still dying to find my lucky dime,
Cheeky as it may seem my dimwit mind,

I wish i used more of my brains,
But the research say we use only 2 %
I figured 2 is for Needs,
And 98 for Wants we Need.

I used to find solace in my home,
I used to find solace in my room,
I used to find alot of things in life,
I used to living a carefree joyful life.

I could write summore, but i figured i'd give myself a break and quit messing with my head abit. Maybe i'd think straight and realise there's more to life then just looking for the big picture. After all, I AM THE BIG PICTURE =).

Where shall I start

2005-11-09T17:11:00.000+08:00

hmm

i just wrote this whole article

and i posted it

and blam

nothing....

once again the internet has proven to me what a SOB it can be to ruin my day. Not to mention the entire post was how my day is now completely ruined

so wtf, i'll just summarized that 3 page blog i've written to just a few lines. Simple, easy , to the point and no bitchy bashy bits to think about.

I got payed Rm 700 for 2 month
I am not happy
I feel like quitting my job by December
I realise I will have nothing better to do in December anyways because all my buddies are leaving the country.
I feel stress
I feel like taking out the stress by working 1 more insane month in a place where i get paid less then dirt
I also feel i could pose as a Santa Claus and make more money in KLCC Saying ho ho ho and getting kids on my lap
I also can't recall what i i just wrote in all the 3 pages of writing so i'm pretty much pissed off i forgot about it so fast .
I think i'm just sleepy
hmm... i'm biting my shirt again
ah well, i'll call it a day. Today will be another one of those days that will just go down the drain.
Can't wait till i show mom my rm 350 salary . She will so congratulate me for being a big boy now and getting paid dirt. 3 Cheers, Hip HIp Huuraay, HIp hop wah, HIp dip suckered.

Will life ever treat me with as much decency as to get paid in full, no bullshit pay on the first month of work. Tune in 10 years from now, and i'd probably have something to write then.

Bye BYe Teenage Years

2005-10-28T11:09:00.000+08:00

"I think I know what I think I 'm Doing in my Life"

Personal quote.

Sometimes, when you're there you're there, when you're gone you're gone. I'm still amazed that I have the will and the strength to continue on life's relentless journey. I'm even more amazed that I've gotten past my teenage years.

Well here's to 21 years of living.

I can't stress how semi important or really not important this day is to me. *sense the sarcasm*

Its nothing, Really. Despite what you may think, try as I may to want to make my birthday something special, it didn't turn out that way. But on a personal note, I did a great job celebrating friendship. I guess I really do owe it to myself for having such great friends with me.

Is it worthwhile living, that's the question in my head now. I still can't say for sure, for one, I'm so tired, for the other I'm so tired already from living. My life seems "like that" at best. I'm sorry , haha i don't think i can think of anything logically sane enough to talk about at the moment.

My head is spinning round and round, and I"m not drunk either. Nor am i Sober. I'm just sleepy ;)

Oh wait, I forgot, I've been getting some rather weird comment on me being gay or something. So i'm just posting Tifa's picture and letting you know that i'm madly in love with her. Kekekeke. Years from now, when i'm reading this blog by myself, I 'm still gonna love Tifa, regardless if i'm married, and have 5 kids and a big ass house on top of Mount Olympus .

Ah well, enough of the idle nonsensical chatter. I'm off guys. Laterz! Happy Birthday Ori-Angel =p =p

Cut n Paste

2005-10-18T12:08:00.000+08:00

*At a time when I was struggling through this crisis alone, out comes this e-mail. It certainly was good to know I wasn't alone. Certainly good to know that its about god dam time I did something in return to help myself move forward. Be it relationship, life or the betterment of mankind."

Being Twenty-something - they call it the "Quarter-life Crisis"

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realising that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like.

You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realising that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognise is that they are realising that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job ... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realise that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't.

One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realise that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot don't seem as fun.
You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realise is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

David aka Skywalker -In Loving Memory-

2005-10-11T21:57:00.000+08:00

You will always be remembered. May you find peace in the land of the lord. Gone to the lord,11 October 2005

Wrath of God / Mother Nature

2005-10-10T10:25:00.000+08:00

Back when the world was still worrying about the side effects of El NiNo, I figured it was just the world getting picky on a warmer globe. Well those were the days where i'd give a shit if the sky was falling down.

Its already the 10th month of 2005, we've seen earthquakes kill 20 '000 people, katrina and rita blowing America the wrong way with billions of property damage and hundreds of thousands in need of a new home, There was that big 0 Tsunami incident at Aceh that wiped out everything that once stood there cept for mosque and churches.

*oh and to note, scientist have detected a rising surge in temperature in the artic regions.

What does this literally spell out for humanity?

Yeah, the world is probably gonna come to an end. Somehow or rather, we'd best move on to space soon or a new planet if we are to survive what is called this Nature's Wrath. Makes you wonder actually if there is a god. I don't like it anymore then the next survivor of a future weather burst, but god's purpose maybe to end us all. True that. Kekekeke, well don't blame me for looking at things so like heartedly, i can't help it with all these death and dying news. Anyways, beats dying to a flaming asteroid from space, conquered by aliens and enslaves, destroyed by Nuke radiation from a nuke war, or conquered by an unknown race of insects living at the core of earth. Which ever comes first, we won't have no Superman or Fantastic 4 to help with the rescuing.

That leaves me to wonder... everywhere we go , there's a comical superhero somewhere. Hmm, maybe Malaysians should come out with 1 great Superhero as well. Japan has Ultraman, USA has a few dozen marvel and dc superheroes.

In the end, i still think the future of Humanity lies in the unknown regions of space and beyond the fabrics of time.
Human colonies floating in the midst. Cloning legalized to help maintain the survival of our once great race. Planet Earth a historical "planet". Grim as maybe the views i have posted, it may not be as grim as what some of the population of the world is facing. While we complain on higher fuel cost, unfair justice, politics and more equality for women rights, half the world still lies dying, starving, intoxicated, homeless while the rest of the world ponders over loneliness, depression and a list of other shit that makes us human.

If they'd clone me perfectly, would i execute myself for being me and not being perfect? humane it seems